birthday boy notes compilation

Dec 29, 2019, Year 10
Despite of you're always be my baby, you were never really be like a baby to me. In this year 10, with you knowing almost all the choices, rules, anything bitter and sweet and bittersweet too, and me too, spending days with you seems a lot easier. If its not lovelier.

Easier, because you actually can already do 'you' in every way somehow. Because you actually recognized it already how the world, and me, going each day thoroughly. Because you actually have had yourself pretty much together, like i always tell you to, but never let you acknowledge. Well, actually its quite a lot im not letting you acknowledge yet. But then you acknowledge some just by yourself. And i see you have a pretty good grip over there :")

Your strength are my prides, and your flaws are my favorites, that i would be grateful over and over again. Grow as best baby, right on your lead.

Dec 29, 2020, Year 11
Shaka, 11 yo. Loves... anything diy, lifehacks, cardboards, pretty boxes, mixtapes, experiments... hoarding... no. exploring surface and materials. Probably cooking... well he loves anything crafty. and mostly related to weaponry... no. survival and defense... dont ask why 🙌 He goes big with idea, needs lot of works in the detail tho. Got to watch out that crash n burn mentality.

He loves too, the great outdoor. Playing dirts and rains. Companion here and there. Various kind of peoples amuse him. Such an all terrain kids inside out. He loves too, pokemon... I think they fill the gap of his weakness to animals 🙂 Its more like how to love animal without really have to touch them 101. But on that, hes improving.

He loves too ...acting bad. Am not saying hes that good. But um... he tends to exxagerate and brag about silly naughty annoying lowkey useless little things that he do. Yet he would only listen from some... few, of the best, from the top. The ones that of course surely wont buy any of every blah things that he do 😑 May he doesnt unnecessarily put himself in difficulties.

He loves to stock up things. Piles of saving. Just to be able to splurge it again carefreely for what or whom he's into. I have a mix feeling about this. 😅

Dec 29, 2021, Year 12

Dear my heartfelt boy,

May you capable of make things clear.

Not emotional, not rude, not confusing. Be honest, never sway, always.

Dont lie even when you cant say the truth, just say that you cant say.

Then embrace, always for good. Be the guy yourself would proud of.

May you find ways to lower your gaze.

It has the power to take you away from true bless of beauty.

Dont take it lightly, visual and looks does matter.

Be mindful with your desire, also put focus in the attitudes.

Good values are what will trully satisfy you in peace.

May you maintain good boundaries.

Be kind and polite to everyone, because thats what we do.

Bold and sweet personal gestures are meant to be special.

Dont be cheap on your words, it has consequences.

That way we're taking care of ourselves, and our loved ones too.

Dec 29, 2022, Year 13
Love is a strong word
But no word is stronger than the light inside you
to see the ultimate truth, clearly
and the guidance to find it, trully
and the courage to choose it, wholeheartedly
and the wisdom to do it, kindly
and the strength to live it, sincerely
Be ready to take off mas
Dont forget to be that awesome :)

Dec 29, 2023, Year 14

Let me tell u why,

Its because you're about to grow,

Becoming a good man,

whom your great little soul meant to be.

Let me tell u why,
Its because you're about to help peoples,
Contribute goodness,
to wherever your communities would be.

Let me tell u why,
Its because you're about to meet Allah SWT,
who always take a good care
no matter high and low could possibly be.

Let me tell u why,
Its because we love you,
And Allah loves us whole a lot more,
Paving us for the best, and the best only

Turn your light on,

in your heart,

and your hand,

on your shoulder,

beyond your mind.

Core Glimmers

This started on a day, when it started unlike usual, but actually felt like coming back to usual; my favourite personal usual and my usual as a wife and mother, that will always coexist together :) these are memories i keep coming back to, either on a good day, or on such a rainy day. These are the memories that keep me grounded on my feet and hold up to my faith. These are the big ordinary moments that bring me unspeakable joy, grace, and some contentment that somehow life-changing for me. Best core memories on the go.

MAY2023

I'll start with this moment that brought me back here to this list and my journaling day :) Its around yesterday we had a chat in the morning. Pretty intense, but pretty calm and reserved. First time feeling vulnerable again after a while, being sadly honest openly. Then i had yoga, and fell asleep after savasana, right on my mat. Woke up at zuhr and had my house routines. Shaka felt unwell that day, papa picked him up himself after a while, and spend the rest of the day at home together, also after a while. We spent the evening together in shaka's room. He fell asleep at 8. I still have my routines until 9, then bathe and finished mine at 10. Shaka still felt restless, and everybody was awake at 4am. We went out and had our best 24h dimsum ever. I felt so collected as myself and as a wife/mother, that was after a while too. Anyway, this feels kinda similar with the holiday week 20 years ago, that i also put it in this list. 

OCT 2022

It's that one time in our first Singapore holiday trip after the stormy pandemic. He hold my hand, let loose, and then hold it again tighter. We crossed the road, felt like its about to loosen up again. It is, but for a while only.He holds mine back, again. I was trying hard not to tear up. But i did, quietly at night before i sleep, in his arms, in front of the big window facing the erp lanes. That very rare moment when i want to do the unnecessary illogical time freeze.

EARLY 2022

One day in my breakdown time, i was so desperately helpless and cheap, didnt have anything other than the physical (ultimate) textbook guidance. Then I opened the translation quran, my newly fresh condition quran, just random page, one page i think i could bear to read. I just throw myself in, for whatever chances, clues, and guidance i could have. Then some words seem familiar. Soon i realized that page contains that one ayah, Ayatul kursi, the peak of quran... I felt like being ultimately pampered. He is always around, taking care of me, always. This is not the first time, really. There's no such coincidence, never. Hasbunallah wanikmal wakiil.

DEC 2009

Out of all testimonials i've heard about getting pregnant and giving birth, i dont know this will be my initial feeling. This was my first time feeling proud of myself, really really proud, im not exaggerating. It was right after i gave birth to my son, when i had my baby in my arms for the first time. I wasnt kidding anyone when i say, he is [my] number one in the world :D i didnt even overthink about the 1OO meaning of being number one, at anything. He just as good as he is, and he had all my bless. Allahu akbar.

AUG 2008

I spent so many years looking at so many skies, secretly mumbling chatting venting to God. Then i have one night in masjidil haram, not far from the kabah, after I got married. I made my prayer, pretty much alone. That moment its like, i sense and absorb everything; me myself, the circumstances, the ambiance, the environment; everything around me. I looked at the black sky, not like any other skyperience before, i felt like being witnessed, soo closely by Allah SWT. Nothing so grand happened actually, except the moment itself, like in a heartful muted short video overflowed by deary meaning. This, now, maybe i am exaggerating. I was young and silly and super unknowledgeable by that time, am still now. But in my whole 7-day trip, that moment is the one i personally missed the most. The one that brings meaning and keeps connecting me to there. I feel solid grateful to even just that.

MID 2004

That one time we were watching movies in my mom's home. I lay on the sofa. You sit on the floor in front of me. Then you kissed me on the lips. Several times. Light and calm. But deep and vibrant. No words and no movement and any other gestures, but maybe some inside ourselves. Im not proud of this kinda scenes. But maybe, just maybe, what's specifically beautiful about this moment is because then, we hold back.

APR 2004

It was my first time being vulnerable and how can i not cry it out to you. The guarding wall around me is falling, I felt it. It's like turns out there is a weight on my shoulder, and it is significantly lifted. It never happened before. I anxiously told you not to be too nice/too kind/too loving because i will not be ready/cant help myself when/if you'll leave too. As i used to see everyone will eventually leave. Never i felt so exposed before, no more wall, all guards are down... alhamdulillah it was you, that even after all episodes of us i'd say, it really still is. Laa haula walaa quwata illa billah.

LATE 2003

I spent that holiday week alone in Semarang. That was in the kinda short time in my life when i was single inside out and had no strings attached, to anything and anyone, living my life the fullest, just the way i like it, maybe for the first time. And that was just a calm, slow, boring ordinary peaceful week by the way :D I guess I've been longing for that kind of life since forever.

By the way, there's one thing i just realized about this list. Generally, they are not happening in my happiest joyful years, which yes i have one, haha. Even they are on this list are probably not such fully happy memories, but a beautiful mix of so many things. Hence i'm not hesitant to title them as my best core memories. And best core memories are supposed to be like the closest thing to happiness, aren't they? if they really are, i don't mind :] my point is, regardless that technically happiness is contained of joy, grace, and contentment, truthfully its big on purpose and meaning. And those last two, is what i myself won't let go. 

to be strong

Strong is an easy word. it's a no-brainer for anyone to strive to. but here is a confession.  

my whole life until now, I never really want to be strong. I may say it several times to encourage people case by case, whereas I know it's meant to be good and necessary. that they can use the best of it, and I did it sincerely too. but me knowing myself, as far as I remember, I always find a way to encourage and push and survive myself, without really telling myself to be strong. I keep it secretly just for myself, for not wanting to be strong, as I know it's somewhat not right… because most of the time I just, can't. 

being strong gives me creeps, or at least cringes. that’s how I'm more into “hold on!” or “we got this!” or even an awkward “let's survive this!” …than a common “stay strong”. I don’t mind being acknowledged as strong though, as people usually mean it positively. I’ll let them be, but not me.

Knowing several strong figures and their tales, no matter how great they do, keeps drawing me away. shortly, it seems like an easy choice, I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to be strong, sometimes to the point I don’t mind being not great. me being stubborn, I kinda invent this theory. all I need is a good set of strengths, but I may not need to be strong. that way, I will survive. case closed, problem solved. Thank you, next.

It’s quite a thought, but of course, it's naturally not something I’m proud of. therefore I never really mention it. Years go by, wisdom (try to) knocks, I try to be more and more casual about it, but no I still can't spell it right (for myself), to be strong… Until pandemic hits, given all kinds of chaos and crazy forecast of this wacky world. I think I kinda slipped out and make this kinda wish for later after the pandemic is over; may we all can come back stronger.

it cringes still, but as I always try to be casual, I let it be. I convince myself that nothing wrong with it. it’s just one typical cliche wish. I really can't find any other urgent point to correct or even doubt about it though. so maybe that’s the first time I officially, wished to be strong (no, stronger). ignoring my infamous inner child, I let it be.

I’m 37, and just now, I kinda get what it takes, and what it means, to be strong. I feel like I know what it takes before, the reason why I never take it lightly… I'm not saying I'm all understood, but… I kinda see the big(ger) picture. the parts I missed out on for whole my life. I was wrong. a good set of strengths is not enough. while we don’t have to be strong (all the time), at least we’d better want to be.

there were times I would entertain myself like, this girl is waiting for the last call to really pray to be strong (and so it gives the creeps even more intense). it seems like being strong equals hard times :’) but no, turns out it means more than that. 

although hard times most of the time, are worth it. that more than often, I found myself fully willing to face it, to get through it, to make the best out of it. therefore….. how can I not want to be strong. now I can't tell if that's me lacking confidence, or on the contrary, being overconfident, to go through all without being strong. zzzzzz…

while being great is (just) a (good) result that is pretty much out of our actual business, being strong is some attitude that we must work on. even now when I say, okay let’s be strong… that’s not me being strong already.... we may never be able to tell if we are strong ourselves, but that strong will and effort to be; most likely is the game-changer.

great and strong usually come in a pair eh... but to be noted, my version of great is, maybe when we can live by our full potential in our most fundamental human way; fulfilling our fitra as best, and finding peace in it. 

that's when a good set of strengths, even great ones, is not enough for one to excel. to work and pray, to make effort and have faith, is what we do. but this journey of life is not about ourselves only. especially if we’re about to walk toward greatness, it cannot be about ourselves only, because true greatness got to be good for many. if even the smallest thing can bring impact, imagine what greatness supposedly bring. 

one thing leads to another thing, no such thing as coincidence. I had my pathway set to be here today, finally officially reconciling with that mindset of being strong. may I’m doing this not merely out of hard times only… or not, I don't care, oh well. but my actual point that I care is, that I love my peoples.

by all meaning, more than just survive, they deserve to be as great as they are all meant to be. we are all together so far, and as much as I wanted them to be 'that' great, I want us to stay together all the way, for good. therefore in any circumstances, they need me to be strong, most probably to the point they need me to be as great either. 

to be strong means a lot more than just the skill to survive through hard times. it’s also an effort for protection from the bad, even before things go bad. it's kinda similar to the saying, the best defence is a good offence. we need every bit of the will to be strong. so there is it, my first encounter with a good offence. never a favourite subject, really ...but now I see how I really can get good use out of it, that it contains a lot more than just myself… this realization is unconditional. I'm glad for finally coming to this perspective... where was I all these times? oh yes, I will be strong, please =)

words updated

when i was younger i wanna grow fast,
that i can do everything i want
when im already grown i wanna be smart,
that i can do good things good
when im already smart i wanna be pretty,
that i can be heard better
when im already pretty i wanna be true,
knowing things are real
i know things are real when i make family,
that i dont want anything more

I wrote that 12 years ago, and now I have important points to revise. 

to do everything we want is not related to age, but wisdom, which is what comes after gaining knowledge, that comes after we gain some good information.

we don't really need 'that' smart to do good things, and whether it's good or bad, the judgement is not ours. so we can just do it, anytime. Just don't forget the will beneath bismillah.

now this part is an easy one. being pretty may make people look, but not necessarily heard. being brave and sincere may work better.

and this is kinda the... challenging part. truth is, knowing which things are real in this world will always be challenging ...so just consider this only one real definite ultimate thing that we can hold for all times and circumstances. We can always turn back to Allah SWT, as to Him only, we will go back home one day, InsyaAllah.

By the way, I add notes in the last part, a few months later. that is when I've become a mother, I guess. contradictory to "I don't want anything more", I said "I want the world".

the logic behind is, that I think I want to provide as best for my baby and my family. I do, I still do. but later on, I realize how the world can be too overwhelming hahahaa ...and more, later on, i see how it doesn't really matter. 

this all everything that happens, is already available as best for us. we already have it all installed in ourselves, all the keys, antidotes, cures, anything. All we need to work on is our efforts and prayers, rest is the matter of His blessing only. All the goodness and wonders are not necessarily caused by our great skill/personality/efforts or even our endless/heartful/sincere prays, but by the blessing of Allah SWT. 

so if there is something I want to revise in this last additional part is, never forget that He already created us completely as best, that we just need to turn back to Him every now and then. So that we find Him, understand ourselves, and live a good life within truth & clarity, fulfilling our purpose. Having His blessing for here and after. that is all.

resurfacing

I almost skip a year not to post anything here, not to mention last time i do that was almost 2 years ago. Why now, the answer will be just kinda obvious. Human... when things happened :p knocking the head & hearts out. 

I dont want to talk about the world. That it almost certain, these past 2 years will be historical. All and all, the world globally is still in the covid era, so pretty much everything is still under construction, inside out. However locally, every now and then, covid seems quite away, alhamdulillah. And life already seems moved on, bring out several big adjustment i guess. Its the new normal they say; where things will never be the same anymore. This pandemic hits economically, socially, culturally. It kinda brings some kind of new pattern of living, new realization of self, new sense of perspective... 

After i shocked myself for how dark i can write (after a pretty long while :")) again, and after i decided to undo it, for good, i have something concluded. We don't have forever to tell, to acknowledge and to deliver. When, insyaallah, in my case it was some good graceful renewal that i would choose to count or dwell in over anything gloomy grey, I supposed not to wait or delay writing it again.

In the beginning of this pandemic, i kinda wish that we will survive this well, gaining some inside strength and knowledge, so that anytime we can come back stronger. Its now been around 2 years since 1st covid hits in China. Almost 2 years since dear son went to school. But just recently, we human really started to have high hopes for life resumed back normally, or new normal, because yea, there are many life-changing stuff happened in the world. From humans wearing masks, to the latest is the meta verse, and  still there are quite much in between... However I will just nod my stuffs. That it seems pretty weird if not bitter, but hopefully awesome, for it to happen just during this time. 

I gain my 5 prayer routines :) its far from perfect. Im still struggling with praying outside home, but i really really hope i can improve that. As for now, this stay-at-home mindset is really helpful for me to make up them all. Its kinda easier to set up schedules around the time of the prayer, not the other way around like life before covid. May i could always guard them well, for the rest of my life...

The notable part is the fajr prayer, which was kinda my final struggle, after the other 4. I gain it by fulfilling request from dear husband who wanted to start his prayer too. When fajr was my hardest, he said it seems like the most delightful time to start. So he asked me to wake him up everyday to do his fajr pray... and so, how could i not :") bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Other than that, im back into yoga. Its been around 3 months, now i exercise pretty much everyday, well 5-6 days a week i'd say. No certain schedules, because i intend it to be in my daily routine, for life. Ive set up my mind. I like how it gives a good sense to my body, and mind and soul too, no matter how slow and low my progress toward skills and poses. Merely in a time like this, I see how i totally do need it. It really helps me making a better sense of life... Life goes up and down and age keeps on the go. Thats why in the long run, id dedicate it for peoples i love too. Me being healthy and sane (and sexy maybe ^__^) may it bring goodness for them too. 

In the same route for my better physical condition, im now too giving more awareness towards my eating and metabolism. Yes im still in that level, raising awareness. And struggling too, due to my lifetime habbit for not being mindful at eating AND preparing a proper meal... so id really put this on my list, for a lifetime improvement.

Another related physical matter, also one of the reason why i would do everything above, for them all to be well sustained for life, is skincare matter. My lifetime hedgehog nose is now gone gone gone =D ive started doing facial treatment. Its quite a rob, but yes its impactful. And he said its just worth it. So lets just be happy about it. However i realize its not such a one night deal. May i can maintain that, inside out. Well like basically everything, i have a lot to work on ^^ i feel its a good thing tho.

Story in short is, i hope im on my way to be more sophisticated female person inside out, towards my duty as a wife, a mother, and abd of Allah SWT... The only one whom i found myself could and would lay myself on. The One who keep taking a good care of me, giving delighting signs and guides every now and then, whenever and however im being silly and weak and lost and flawful. The One who keep gifting me the greatest, to the point i think i couldnt or wouldnt articulate it... (because its so personally mindblowing) That all everything happened (for me), since the very first beginning, are (always) very meticulously well-crafted, and by far is trully for me. 

For making me happy. For my goals, and greater goal, even without leaving out my worldy needs i missed out. For making this flawful me great, even in the way id like it to be... because He loves me, knows and understands me exactly, as no one ever be. That in my tough times it keeps tickling me hard, for how clueless i can be. And to Him is the only one i could always turning back, safely and peacefully... Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin.

This moment is kinda like my second chapter of life, in the theme of loving by the name of Allah SWT. I stumbled on this one phrase In one of the book package i got last month (which come in such incredible timing, again, since the very first time i found it, or it found me). Its about He is being Al Mughni, The Enricher, who can enrich us to the point that we can wholeheartedly love people, but ultimately our dependency is on Him. That phrase really got me personally. That someway somehow (finally) i can too wholeheartedly fell down down down, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing left. Its like... even He lets me doing what i like, and still being available for me in the most beautiful and senseful way :" i dont mean to preach. Its just, how can i not. Laa ilaaha illallahu Allahu akbar...

I cry and tell and ask Him a lot lately O__O and what i ask is nothing less than the best, here and after. That if i go furthermore on my words here, due to my nature, i worry id become weak again. So really, basically bless is all that. For myself, for peoples i love and love me, for others, for myself toward others... i want to do right, and good, and nice, and really, nothing but the best for the others. Just because ~~~ i cant explain.

What i have to tell here is how thankful and grateful i am, of all everything happened recently. Maybe its an awkward gesture, but really, its kinda like a necessary revelation... however its so, tough ~~~ May i always able to keep on  peacefully striving, progressing, fulfilling, for good, as best. May we always able to find our true ground and work it, for good, as best. All by the name of Allah SWT. Amen.

part closure

Year 2020 started so messy. Heavy flood right on the day 1. And hashtag worldwar3 trending even before week 1. An iranian shia politician dead. One super power president, as his usual, made a happy statement over a tragedy. Then there were people swearing and a nuclear deal. Still we're not yet on point. Too many niches. While locally, people seems forget how to complain about things, and keep on offensing on personal matter. Too many hatred. Too many intrigues. Too many layers. Meanwhile, im just whining.

I dont mean to start negatively, but duuuudeeee..... #worldwar3 on day 3 ?!? Zzzzzz who needs fiction nowadays. 

(Just kissed my baby good night) ...of all conspiracy theory ive read, of all quran tafsir ive heard, of all vision ive had, of all dreams ive planned... i cant even tell what tomorrow, like literally tomorrow, will bring. And while im feeling so little here, im making a plan, for like almost a decade later. Investing this, renovating that. Education this, vacation that. Still i shower myself with all those information slash knowledge though. All that, maybe im just trying to keep myself busy. Questions are actually simple. Will we actually make it until next decade? As a person. As a nation. As citizen of the world. As a creation of The Almighty. I wonder if theres any point in what i do. But i did. That way, may it happened for good.

We human never not juggling between things, do we? Its a privilege, having a pause to notice how busy we are. Alhamdulillah.

My dear little man, in every layer of every era, in every path of every choice, in every moment of now and then, in every journey of every you, may you always find and walk your truest way back home to Allah SWT. This one not easy to even describe, really ...Al Fatihah. There you actually have it all, what im trying to tell.

Just later on, may you have the chance to have your journey through the whole quran... Sigh. This flawful me feels like crying reading my own pray. I dont know how, but really, may i too have the chance to have my journey throught the whole quran... Sometimes, it really is not easy even just to ask and pray. So many thing left unspoken ...May Allah SWT bless you always baby son, here, there, and ever after. For all those things that really matter, never give up. Amen.

otw double digit (part.2)

Hello my not so little bundle of joy, who is now does have a lot to say, i mean really say, like an opinion, or assumption, or conclusion.  Finally we're really working on your very own bedroom, aren't we? Phase 1 done last weekend by putting the door in your very own wardrobe. I spent weeks drawing and planning. Its a hobby, making lists. But recently i found out, its also a distraction. (Well duh, of course, that what a hobby is for).

Its a bit annoying sometimes, having you roaming at night in my bed. But its already been a solid 10 years for me. You're my little bundle of warmth, how could i not have you for more? I feel kinda jaded, imagining you sleeping unseen in another room. I found myself a bit anxious, getting annoyed once again. It really is a good thing having a hobby, really.

Go on kid, grow up, while im still tuned in. I hope i will always do. I cant say that im lost for words, because i already splurge a lot, just like you said, when i have something to say, its simply got to be long. That includes when i got to say, sometimes soon, i'll have it fixed. No more long talk (unless you ask). I would do it for good, you had enough. I hope too, i've said enough. Insyaallah.

Looking at you sleeping on a bed next to mine, i feel like running out of time. It almost feels like one of my privilege will be taken away. But go on kid, bring it, you definitely got this. I got this. May the rest will catch up for good. Insyaallah. Go on kid, grow up.

otw double digit (part.1)

Hello my little bundle of joy. You gets a lot heavier this year. A lot bigger. Taller. Bulkier. Sometimes to the point where your act looks way too cute for your looks, that it might turns sour. Even for yourself. Its that hard to be cool eh :)

Your palm are thickening. And so are your feet. I dont know if you know. I dont know if you know that i know. But they are now rougher than mine. I never mention, but it kinda like how reality knocks in my head. Inside my hug. My little bundle of joy not so little anymore.

It happens and i missed you already. I will always be your heartless spoiler mom giving overrated notes and codes. And you will grow. Through and through. That in my slight moment of pray i would wish, may all these time i bring you goodness, in anyway i could be.

I want you to be tough and strong. Yet i want you to stay tender and gentle. (But how do you get it without knowing how ugly real suffer is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be smart and sharp. Yet  i want you to stay pure and naive. (How do you get it without knowing how urgent life crisis is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be bright and passionate. Yet i want you to stay cheap and humble. (Tell me just, just how do you get it without knowing how savage a true love is, tell me not.)

I want you to simply shine. Yet i want you to always stay modest. (And it seems there is no way you get it without knowing how cliche the ultimate truth actually is, or yes way?)

Meanwhile, we're not really born for cliches, i know. I had a hard time processing all these... and so just like this writings, ive been thinking about these for months. This milestone is not just yours. Ive grown into a proud mother of a baby son this far, alhamdulillah. Now I got to have some other ultimate pray, youre about to become a man. Bismillahirrahmaanirahiim.

If I Really Do Have to Say Something

My father has passed away. Somebody i called papa and somebody my son called kakek. It's already been around 3 months now. Nothing really seems change. Everything still goes like usual and i seems like a heartless daughter losing her father. But not me, this is about him, whose without i wouldn't be me today, totally. I wouldn't say its delighting. There were times watching someone else's loving father (and husband) gets me envy and teary sometimes. But i never really wanted some other guy to substitute my father though. He and his trait, they enrich me. Just as i actually used to hope that i matter the same, enrich him.

He was someone who think. He was someone who love deeply. He was someone who value his pride. Nothing brings him down. No matter how people would look down to him. Someway somehow, he was someone i'd most likely into. He was someone i'd naturally had my eye on. For observing the way he think, the way he do, the way he evolve. The way he gets things done. No matter how he always been in an awkward mess. But there it goes away, my chance.

On that neatly wellcrafted day, i heard the news. I don't cry or burst a tear. Me just processing my time as his sweet gutsy daughter, as my mom's heartless companion, as my brother's slack guardian, as my fatherless sister's big sister. As a sharp niece of raged uncles and aunties, as a pokerface grandchild of hurted parents. Never as a girl's next door material, whom i always aim to, I bet he aim me to.

Me processing too my time as his marrying grownup daughter. Compromising my unintentionally cold dry relationship with him into something more like an awkward templates, of a wife, of a mom. Bringing in her husband and child to the roots of her life. No hate nor revenge, but it's not easy, for both of us, like always. I let him being shallow, he let me being awkward. I let him being uncool, he let me being cold. We both know its not easy, yet stubborn enough to keep pushing. That's while we had the time. I was pretty grateful for those particular times.

On that particularly wellcrafted time, i was on my own, in the middle of a crowd, that not allowing me to get burst. I was also in a pretty rare moment for not being accesible to my dearest life partner. And so the rest of anyone linked me to him. All of us were in a rare particular moment where we're not accessible one to another, but only on text message. So there it is. All of us had all the strong excuses to getaway safely. Thats one thing. But i have another one. All of us then too, had all the rights and freedom to process and respond in our most honest personal way. None of us coming to the funeral that day. But i believe, also on that day we put more of ourselves within him in our pray, sincerely and wholeheartedly, insyaallah.

I have a feeling, that it is what it is. Allah's scenario are just for what's best. Here and there, inside and out. If there's anything like a good closure, may he could have it. If there's anyway for all of us to reconcile, with him and ourselves, with all of our past, heart and soul, may we all could take it. If there's any chance to do better on our own capacity regarding this matter, may we all could embrace it. For what is love if it wasn't bring anything good. May he be in a good place with Allah SWT already.

RABBIGHFIRLII WALI WAALIDAYYA WARHAM HUMMA KAMAA RABBAYAANII SHAGHIIRAA

Al Fatihah

The Wish

I was so close for being naughty today. So close. That close. Until it was only in seconds i switched back to things i supposed to do. Things i scheduled to do. Things i was not feeling i was actually into. Not that its so important too, but yes they're things i supposed to do. Alhamdulillah that or this all just come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I almost skip class mommies meeting today, as i already confirm to come to them, and my dearest two. Just like skipping class back then in my school year, once in a particular while, when i just want to be gone. That easy. So easy. But anyway, now im on my way there. I'll be late and still trying to be my content self.

Actually i could just go to the nearest mall and do useful stuff though. I planned to deposit some cash, to have my haircut (that already postponed for months), to find a laser pointer for the boy, to go to pharmacy getting another testpack, and grab my favorite local coffee while waiting school pickup time. That easy. So easy. I might regret my decision and i'm not really into these mommies anyway. But im already on my way anyway. My wiser autopilot way, hopefully.

I was crying this late morning. Crying for something like i havent done it for pretty long. I was sad. Upset. Afraid. Worry. Pity. Wishfulthinking. Well, maybe i still am. I feel my face is like swollen and its still kinda warm around my eyes. But i think i still am feeling positive. Its not like im in a deep shit or something, totally not. Alhamdulillah that or this all still come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I was just. Like. Making a wish. That i really want it to come true. I cant tell how bad. But maybe at least its bad enough to make me wanting to be gone. Turns out im not really used to make a wish. I pray for bless, peace, strength, love, and wisdom for each and everytime. But yeah, finally a particular wish do come. May it be for good. May it be for best. For each and everyone. Allahu akbar.

random buzz

I can be bubbly. But basically im not a bubbly person. Its too bad actually, because i love bubbly person. Im not being sarcastic ~as i unintentionally oftenly do~ but i admire them, i really do. I think bubbly person is nice, and positive, and good for the world, and even with a little knowledge they might possibly good for after world too. I think im always on my way trying to be bubblier.

My favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, maybe. But i always forget why, even sometimes i forget the plot. So i abort that. But then everytime i watch it again i understand how and why i made it my favorite, and also a slight of why i keep forgetting it. How do i heart it? It keeps punching me in the head and heart. Why do i forget? Because for me that same reasons/messages are even stronger than the plot and movie itself. The movie keeps heartlessly making me cry and frozen. Zzzzz.

Then why i keep (purposedly) forgetting ~then also aborting~ it as a my favorite? Because... its too much reminding me of me, all of the characters in the movie ~inside or outside~ whole in one~ i can relate in so many level. And they're all really are not my favorite. I'm okay with them, they're just not my favorite character. Just like myself. And i'm not being bitter right now, i think im not. Well i just finished watching it few minutes ago, and i feel like i owe this explanation. Because i keep going back and forth about this. And because, i think i will forget this matter again. This movie is academy award class, i think it deserves better than just being intentionally forgotten~~ so; aaaawesooome! There it goes. Bye.

Nationalist

We must admit that we human, has tendency to see what we want to see. To hear what we want to hear. Then to believe and have faith for it. By that point, it seems like able to remark our strong characters and such things. This tendency may go even stronger when we love something/someone, or at least when we're into it.

When you're a nationalist, you love your country. It seems like, you're after positivities. You find excuses. You appreciate sugarcoat. You make ways to improve. Just then if you're smart enough, you stand for the better, and work it for good. You being true. That's my thought of a nationalist, and well, i dont think i have that much of qualification indeed. I may be not. The things are, i dont want to be only after positivities, i dont want any excuses, more over sugarcoated news.

If i ever wanted those dazzling glittery stuff, let it be about my family, or kids. Even then i won't even stop right there. Insyaallah, I will continue working it to make ways, and so on as i told before. So, if being a nationalist means i should be kinda proud blindly, or be smug over one side news, or be collectively perky about such unclear achievements, im ok not being a nationalist. And this nation, i think, pretty much needs more than that anyway. May we just could ever make ways to improve, stand for the better, and work it for good, faithfully.

There're not much of my sweet words and else related to this country. But a bunch of peoples of creativity and vibrant passions and survival skills to be really happily alive without any terms and conditions. I (sigh) pretty much care for this nation. Sometimes too much that it dissapoints me, everytime i questioned and researched, over and over again. But well, i keep on going, just always on my way. That in my adult self, turns out i feel like i still have hope too. That i could still have this country survived as a home sweet home. For me, AND my family.

In this no-boundaries era, i think that's strong. Because again, maybe it's only for my family that i would digest flaws, excuses, and sugarcoat positively. And if i would ever swallow without even digest, let it be only for Allah SWT's Islam, insyaallah. Nothing but the best, my dears. So if i could ever wish this country to stay being my family's home, written in our passport~~ well, that got to be strong, and got to be for good. For me, it's already means more than just being a nationalist. May we able to work it out.

Am i getting old?

Nowadays, i see many peoples are not only smart and bright. But also wise. And thoughtful. And cultured. And inspiring too. Even the introverts, they're everywhere, out and about. I think we really are in the peak of "everybody matters" era.

Despite all the chaos and hatred and any bizarre things, it seems kinda cool eh. But ummm... i dont know. I dont mean to be negative but i feel like kinda lost my appetite just like that. I just hope it doesnt bring me any less or worse =) i wish i have anything pretty wise too to tell, but no. Im seeing all them as bizarre. Im just not impressed x]

The world is so colorful and humans are so uniques and systems are so ...crazy. just like that. I tend to over-simplifying like that, instead of bring up the good words that may enlight the humanity...........noooo im not being sarcastic. Or maybe i do. I dont know. But well, peoples are cool lately. Whatever, thats the point. I am in the peak of cool people era.

That it kinda sucks me in and maybe... i got kinda overwhelmed. (White flag). I do random wise bizarre words since primary, but now its like i dont want to do it anymore. I dont know maybe i feel like losing my privilege or something. Coolness seems cheap today. Contents are for sale. And... i dont know... it seems like no more unique for being unique today... whatever happened everything are unique every now and then though.

And so i feel im kinda going back to old values. Religion, modesty, hard work, perseverance, honesty, sincere, afterlife.... anything unfancy. Not that i nailed it though. Im pretty much lucy-generation remember... the old millenial. I grow up knowing that i am special and any other sparkly fun facts i still cant resist. But yes... i feel like i kinda do a step back.

Is it from my character. Is it from my latest thought. Is it from my age. Is it what happened to old peoples when they stop being fun (and oh at least please maybe could start being wise). Is it what happened to old boring people when they start becomes skeptical (and oh at least please dont start looking down to younger others). Is it what happened to old boring unwise people when they choose to be righteous and so stiff (and somewhat stubborn). Am i getting old like that?

I see many peoples too, say that (in their wiser self) they start narrowing their circle of peoples. That they would rather stick with the long-known-tested circle. No longer eager to expand and start new ones. Well that im not into. Somehow in that case i think i go backward. My younger self choose small circles. As i grow, i aim bigger and bigger circles.... i think to the point i cant even tell i want any certain circles. It seems like, peoples would already do. Up to this point, I thanked Allah SWT for my beloved family, really.

So honestly, in the same time im also not so much into travel all around the world or whatsoever trending now. But some cheesy branded hand bags, i cant lie. Destinations do not mesmerize me, but any street views would do. Wise people arent impressed me much. but common civils do. Regarding to that... is there any hope that its not me getting old and boring and unwise.

Cough. Well, old and boring... its hard not to get there eh. But really... despite of im being uninspired by wise words or wise peoples lately... i hope im not going unwise. As i know Allah SWT, and as a lucy generation, and as always me myself,  i actually have faith in a good life. Being unwise and shutted down, are not any of it. So, please~~ dear me, be wise.

savages

maybe this will be a sad post. maybe.

about last year. one year before now... okay, lets loose a bit, make it two, maximum. i was feeling very gracefully good, that everything seems so gracefully good for a living. Here, i meant, as a world citizen, as a moslem, as a mother, as a wife, even as part of this nation. disregarding the corruption, unreliable goverment, mind-blowing conspiracy theory, and foolish tv shows, i do feel like i have faith here, within the society, our peoples. after years of willing, learning, and waiting, i feel like i have every reason to wear hijab. it grows in me. then i do. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

not being all holy and glory, i also do the count in my journey into hijabi. my peak time of a woman/mother/wife, my dearest circles, my providing accounts, even my surrounding situations which i dont want it to be too 'pretentious' at anything at all. i remember myself saying gracefully about how nowadays ambience was generally so good for the growth of good peoples, including for moslem woman wearing hijab. social acceptance, neutral perspective, indifferent profiles, those shallow things works for good. my countings came to an end. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

turned out, it was really such a slight time of a moment. looking at nowadays today, i feel so blessed to had that moment back then. now all the fundamental things of living all have resurfaced awfully. news and opinions about religion, gender, race, nation, humanism, crime, politics, fantasy, conspiracy, alls gone savages. then thanks to social media, its blown up like crazy. now its kinda harder to love religious peoples, even for no matter what the religion. then its also kinda awkward to count on a certain hometown, or to simply look up for some great stranger, or just to be wholly excited at some good breaking news. everything seems pretentious, it makes us (or at least me) tend to be more cautious. yes im a skeptical person for most of the times, but lately, even its being a bore. i'd rather do the opposite way, trying to find bits of a pure good truth, some hope.

i'm so relieved that i took that chance in that slight of time turned me into one newbie hijabi. not that i convinced that i am now already that much of a better person by taking the momentum. its just that, i see somehow theres a high chance it did keep me away from getting derailed even further. insyaallah. or for least lets say, if i did not, i wouldnt know if i will have the courage to start this year or when is that. things are too much of blurry right now. 

it might be the world. it might be just me. but i do wish i could have again silly sarcastic politic jokes with my christian friends. i wish i could mesmerized over some adorable thin eyes and sassy attitudes of those chinese toddlers. i wish i could discuss (any) religion topics deeply and openly with my fellow friends. all without certain judgements or pretention or silly awkwardness for being cautious, just in case if i could end up hurting or being insensitive. yes, okay, it might be just me, thinking too much.

no matter how short, this world is just too pretty to be too cautious. peoples are too lovely to be misjudged, and life is too short to be too whiny. it gets me mad watching those savage arguments over every (big little) things. it gets me even more upset when i met my peoples join the crazy crowd. the time of silence is golden might literally come by now. that kind of silent, its sad ...but God said, dont be sad. i had my benefit of being a millenial though, i am ultra-positive. inhale exhale, okay!

im afraid of zombie for fun. i prepare emergency kit. im not into nature nor animals. but of course this world is beautiful. i appreciate life. i love peoples. i believe in all kindhearted people of all races, disregarding their annoying local habbits. i like western foods. i want to be a better person. i believe most people wants it too. im working and praying on my afterlife. i bless nasa peoples and all peoples in bigger seats. i just found out about the ice wall. its a lot that i dont know. big chance, i dont know everything, at all. but i love my family. i do hope we're together until jannah. i am on my way to understand better about loving because of Allah SWT. may we always have all the guidance, love, and protection needed. i look up ~~~ i look around. 

subhanallah walhamdulillahi walaa illaa ha illallahu allahu akbar.

 peluk ~~~

twilight zone

this post might actually be written about last year, i just found it in my random notebook. guess its when i dont manage to open any laptop. it was made even before my last 2 posts. so here it is, unlike usual, this post is about me. or at least, about whats in my mind pretty recently :)

Hey, when is the right age for kids to learn about the world crisis? to let them know the scarry things beyond monsters and ghost and maybe even zombie. that there are crisisES happen, just right about now, in the other side of the world.

i spy on tv channels, let go adult channels, i go through kids programs, let go adult content and bad words, i scan subliminal messages, let go anything illuminati, bring out new world order, let go lucifer alone, mind the brainwashing. then i read again about zombie invasion, the possibility and horror that seems really haunting. im not kidding you, i did research, i want to have preparation. i feel stupid, but i did build an emergency kit.

then after all those thrilling fun, news breaking about Allepo. the war of the world, like well, nothing new actually. but suddenly i got the approval for my emergency kit. forget about zombie. with all the mess in the world (and in this country lately) even we dont actually need zombie to have a preparation.

i started to read about countries. im trying to swallow politics. i had fun learning history. still, there are sorta stupid feeling to care. because still, nothing are really new and they are all grey. humans do great. maybe silly, but great. i cant lie, i still do have faith, in each and every group/race/team/whatsoever. i just wish that i have the right to hope, that more than anything, Allah SWT be still with us all.

then i found out about MBTI. am an INTP :) its so fun, i cant stop. the information and accuracy kinda beat the astrology hahahhah. but then its getting awkward, there is slight of me dissapointed. its like, every me and you, and now and then, all been sooo predictable. i feel like seeing all the pattern, the fun of MBTI krisskrossing the mess of the world. then just like my mbti has predicted about my type, i do want to bend it.

after all the readings and research, plus my approval and satisfactions, i kinda go to the opposite. there's bit of me want to proof its not all correct, or at least that there are another bended version of the theory or description. i would start with my INTP result. jack of all trades, master of none, rule bender, perfectionist planner, and a lazy ass. i said i was working it, bend the description, and..... actually now i kinda already forgot it. like..... who caress??

its annoying, but i dont feel fail though. now is already few months after this writings. there are some adjustments and changes of course, hopefully good ones. im not buying the issues all that much no more. i do wander and watch and see how it goes, but... i dont know, kinda feel detached already. it still feels scarry in times, but i kinda see thats not really on point. i have better and more important things to focus on. i hope its one good and right revelation.

im going anticlimax for all that horrors. the thrill is there, but... okey, next. is it age? or life path? im not really talking about these insights to anyone, its too overrated, no? i dont know if this an end or start of an era ...but anyway, here i feel like one lucky girl in this phase, you cant imagine how. and if it really is luck, i just wish it would passed on my kids and families :) may Allah SWT be still with us all.

7 years and 7 months later

its true when they say reality will come and get you at year 7. the time when i lost count and missed the date to write milestones and everythings. the time when the stories are on its peak, that its actually really really literally (i said it over and over again like no other excuse i can tell) frustrating to start. new skills. school academics. social insight. peers. insight about ups and downs. money stuff. academic report. hobbies. preferance of activities. idolizing patterns. music hits. personal approach toward things. survival mechanism. flaws and weakness. etc etc.

i lost for words.

im not always easy. i become cold and distant in times. i can be quite heartless. you might know i dont mean to be rude, but i do show no mercy. im not much of sweet words. i do criticize. im not always logical. im a bit of heartwrecker. i do worry. yet im not much of technical. i could get you all drained and damp. i dont demand. but i could be the weight on your shoulder. yet i might not cooperate. i dont explain well. but still a lot that i want to say. i dont easily choose to be easy. i used to leave it for you to choose. and i dont make it easy.

they're kinda coming your way, aren't they?

i know how you like compliments and appreciations. i know how you always want to make me proud. i know you desperately wanting to nail everything i hand you to. i know how youre getting happy when i looked happy. i know how its frustrated you when you think youre frustrating me. i know when youre getting tired of my emotional me. i know too how you feel relieved when that emotional me gone. i know you just want to hug me and be a baby peacefully, and in the same time i know. you also want to gain powers and everything to take care of me and make sure everything will be safe and sound. i could figure all that. like somehow i just wish that you undoubtly know all these, like always.

because that, i might be lack of anyway. 

baby, you will always be my favorite person. you are. your strength are the coolest, your flaws are the cutest. you could be so annoying and clingy. sometimes youre so stubborn and bossy. but your mind does stands out, and peoples do notice your heart. your peoples, you bring them together. you make them shines, and you're never be outshined. never actually once, you bring me down. so far your flaws of all flaws existed, are my favorite ones that i could actually tolerate. as your eyes stubbornly sparkling, and your smile unconsciously surfacing, i hope that you will always remember. you have it all in you, goodness. just never give up trying, and believing.

that you are never alone, and never will. 

you are 7, and i feel like i cant tell reality any lighter :) dear shaka trah semesta, my little blink of the universe, you are nothing less than an ultimate bless to me. and no matter how little we always are, we have nothing less than the ultimate love and protection. it's not always about reality, not to mention which one. go rooting, some wandering, know your creator, get yourself together, be a whole, do good, find truth. Don't bother with happiness, they're always just around the corner :) you are blessed, we are.

it's always about faith, there goes reality, like i love you.

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Al Fatihah

cicilan akhir tahun (yang tertunda)

since lil man born 7 years ago, life seems always reset every december :) the only month in a year that never i forget to do some reflection, or make some list of milestones for least. so here i am again, trying to update a very long while along this year.
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then it just stopped right there, 2 months ago -__- but not in my head. just now its already too much to update, and i only have one hour to resume. so lets just drill down the schedule. first thing first.
seperti al fatihah setelah sholat. when you dont know where to start.
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Jadwal Shaka, 7 tahun

SENIN
06.00 gedabrukan pagi, terutama senin pertama setiap bulannya, karena ada upacara.
07.30 berangkat sekolah, atau setengah jam sebelumnya kalau pas upacara. dan nggak gedabrukan.
15.00 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung meluncur BXC, snack time before all
15.30 hang out di rockstar, atau belajar persiapan kalau ada assesment di rotiO atau spot sepi
16.50 siap masuk kelas futsal academy w/ coach rizal
18.30 bubar, langsung pulang dan makan, di bxc kalo di rumah tampak rempong 
19.45 sudah di rumah, selesai makan, santai di sofa
20.00 mandi net not, cuddling sebentar, bobo

SELASA
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.20 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung meluncur BXC, snack di jalan
16.00 berenang level 1 w/ coach victor
17.00 bubar dan laper, mari jajan (atau dinner kalo ga masak) ..lalu pulang
17.30 sampai rumah, main random kalo masih terang atau santai di sofa
19.00 selesai santai atau makan malem, naik ke atas, mandi
19.30 belajar santai
20.30 cuddling, bobo

RABU
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.45 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung pulang
16.30 main keluar rumah
17.00 main selesai, roaming aja randoman
18.00 makan malem, mandi
19.00 belajar nggak santai (supposedly)
21.00 (or about 1 hour more kalo lagi jadwal assesment on fire) bobo, sekitar 2 menit setelah buku ditutup

KAMIS
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.00 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung pulang
15.30 snack time apa aja yang ada di rumah
16.30 main keluar rumah
17.00 main selesai, roaming aja randoman
18.00 makan malem, mandi
19.00 belajar nggak santai (supposedly)
21.00 (or about 1 hour more kalo lagi jadwal assesment on fire) bobo, sekitar 2 menit setelah buku ditutup

JUMAT 

06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
12.20 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, seringnya langsung BXC
13.00 makan siang, atau snack berat
14.00 kelas basket w/ coach matther
15.00 snack berat tahap 2, atau roaming aja sesuai keperluan
16.00 berenang level 1 w/ coach victor
17.00 taekwondo belt kuning w/ coach edy
18.00 snack berat tahap 3, atau makan malam sekalian, seringnya di BXC, mamapun tak sanggup lanjut on di rumah
19.30 sampai rumah, roaming santai-santai
20.30 mandi, langsung bobo... atau mundur semua sekitar 1 jam

SABTU
zzzzzZ
Roaming
15.00 kelas futsal w/ coach El
16.00 tennis academy w/ coach Fadli
Roaming 
ZZZzzzzzZ

MINGGU
Roaming seharian sampai sore
18.00 makan malam, mandi
19.00 school night routines, most likely