This started on a day, when it started unlike usual, but actually felt like coming back to usual; my favourite personal usual and my usual as a wife and mother, that will always coexist together :) these are memories i keep coming back to, either on a good day, or on such a rainy day. These are the memories that keep me grounded on my feet and hold up to my faith. These are the big ordinary moments that bring me unspeakable joy, grace, and some contentment that somehow life-changing for me. Best core memories on the go.
MAY2023
I'll start with this moment that brought me back here to this list and my journaling day :) Its around yesterday we had a chat in the morning. Pretty intense, but pretty calm and reserved. First time feeling vulnerable again after a while, being sadly honest openly. Then i had yoga, and fell asleep after savasana, right on my mat. Woke up at zuhr and had my house routines. Shaka felt unwell that day, papa picked him up himself after a while, and spend the rest of the day at home together, also after a while. We spent the evening together in shaka's room. He fell asleep at 8. I still have my routines until 9, then bathe and finished mine at 10. Shaka still felt restless, and everybody was awake at 4am. We went out and had our best 24h dimsum ever. I felt so collected as myself and as a wife/mother, that was after a while too. Anyway, this feels kinda similar with the holiday week 20 years ago, that i also put it in this list.
OCT 2022
It's that one time in our first Singapore holiday trip after the stormy pandemic. He hold my hand, let loose, and then hold it again tighter. We crossed the road, felt like its about to loosen up again. It is, but for a while only.He holds mine back, again. I was trying hard not to tear up. But i did, quietly at night before i sleep, in his arms, in front of the big window facing the erp lanes. That very rare moment when i want to do the unnecessary illogical time freeze.
EARLY 2022
One day in my breakdown time, i was so desperately helpless and cheap, didnt have anything other than the physical (ultimate) textbook guidance. Then I opened the translation quran, my newly fresh condition quran, just random page, one page i think i could bear to read. I just throw myself in, for whatever chances, clues, and guidance i could have. Then some words seem familiar. Soon i realized that page contains that one ayah, Ayatul kursi, the peak of quran... I felt like being ultimately pampered. He is always around, taking care of me, always. This is not the first time, really. There's no such coincidence, never. Hasbunallah wanikmal wakiil.
DEC 2009
Out of all testimonials i've heard about getting pregnant and giving birth, i dont know this will be my initial feeling. This was my first time feeling proud of myself, really really proud, im not exaggerating. It was right after i gave birth to my son, when i had my baby in my arms for the first time. I wasnt kidding anyone when i say, he is [my] number one in the world :D i didnt even overthink about the 1OO meaning of being number one, at anything. He just as good as he is, and he had all my bless. Allahu akbar.
AUG 2008
I spent so many years looking at so many skies, secretly mumbling chatting venting to God. Then i have one night in masjidil haram, not far from the kabah, after I got married. I made my prayer, pretty much alone. That moment its like, i sense and absorb everything; me myself, the circumstances, the ambiance, the environment; everything around me. I looked at the black sky, not like any other skyperience before, i felt like being witnessed, soo closely by Allah SWT. Nothing so grand happened actually, except the moment itself, like in a heartful muted short video overflowed by deary meaning. This, now, maybe i am exaggerating. I was young and silly and super unknowledgeable by that time, am still now. But in my whole 7-day trip, that moment is the one i personally missed the most. The one that brings meaning and keeps connecting me to there. I feel solid grateful to even just that.
MID 2004
That one time we were watching movies in my mom's home. I lay on the sofa. You sit on the floor in front of me. Then you kissed me on the lips. Several times. Light and calm. But deep and vibrant. No words and no movement and any other gestures, but maybe some inside ourselves. Im not proud of this kinda scenes. But maybe, just maybe, what's specifically beautiful about this moment is because then, we hold back.
APR 2004
It was my first time being vulnerable and how can i not cry it out to you. The guarding wall around me is falling, I felt it. It's like turns out there is a weight on my shoulder, and it is significantly lifted. It never happened before. I anxiously told you not to be too nice/too kind/too loving because i will not be ready/cant help myself when/if you'll leave too. As i used to see everyone will eventually leave. Never i felt so exposed before, no more wall, all guards are down... alhamdulillah it was you, that even after all episodes of us i'd say, it really still is. Laa haula walaa quwata illa billah.
LATE 2003
I spent that holiday week alone in Semarang. That was in the kinda short time in my life when i was single inside out and had no strings attached, to anything and anyone, living my life the fullest, just the way i like it, maybe for the first time. And that was just a calm, slow, boring ordinary peaceful week by the way :D I guess I've been longing for that kind of life since forever.
By the way, there's one thing i just realized about this list. Generally, they are not happening in my happiest joyful years, which yes i have one, haha. Even they are on this list are probably not such fully happy memories, but a beautiful mix of so many things. Hence i'm not hesitant to title them as my best core memories. And best core memories are supposed to be like the closest thing to happiness, aren't they? if they really are, i don't mind :] my point is, regardless that technically happiness is contained of joy, grace, and contentment, truthfully its big on purpose and meaning. And those last two, is what i myself won't let go.
