random buzz

I can be bubbly. But basically im not a bubbly person. Its too bad actually, because i love bubbly person. Im not being sarcastic ~as i unintentionally oftenly do~ but i admire them, i really do. I think bubbly person is nice, and positive, and good for the world, and even with a little knowledge they might possibly good for after world too. I think im always on my way trying to be bubblier.

My favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, maybe. But i always forget why, even sometimes i forget the plot. So i abort that. But then everytime i watch it again i understand how and why i made it my favorite, and also a slight of why i keep forgetting it. How do i heart it? It keeps punching me in the head and heart. Why do i forget? Because for me that same reasons/messages are even stronger than the plot and movie itself. The movie keeps heartlessly making me cry and frozen. Zzzzz.

Then why i keep (purposedly) forgetting ~then also aborting~ it as a my favorite? Because... its too much reminding me of me, all of the characters in the movie ~inside or outside~ whole in one~ i can relate in so many level. And they're all really are not my favorite. I'm okay with them, they're just not my favorite character. Just like myself. And i'm not being bitter right now, i think im not. Well i just finished watching it few minutes ago, and i feel like i owe this explanation. Because i keep going back and forth about this. And because, i think i will forget this matter again. This movie is academy award class, i think it deserves better than just being intentionally forgotten~~ so; aaaawesooome! There it goes. Bye.

Nationalist

We must admit that we human, has tendency to see what we want to see. To hear what we want to hear. Then to believe and have faith for it. By that point, it seems like able to remark our strong characters and such things. This tendency may go even stronger when we love something/someone, or at least when we're into it.

When you're a nationalist, you love your country. It seems like, you're after positivities. You find excuses. You appreciate sugarcoat. You make ways to improve. Just then if you're smart enough, you stand for the better, and work it for good. You being true. That's my thought of a nationalist, and well, i dont think i have that much of qualification indeed. I may be not. The things are, i dont want to be only after positivities, i dont want any excuses, more over sugarcoated news.

If i ever wanted those dazzling glittery stuff, let it be about my family, or kids. Even then i won't even stop right there. Insyaallah, I will continue working it to make ways, and so on as i told before. So, if being a nationalist means i should be kinda proud blindly, or be smug over one side news, or be collectively perky about such unclear achievements, im ok not being a nationalist. And this nation, i think, pretty much needs more than that anyway. May we just could ever make ways to improve, stand for the better, and work it for good, faithfully.

There're not much of my sweet words and else related to this country. But a bunch of peoples of creativity and vibrant passions and survival skills to be really happily alive without any terms and conditions. I (sigh) pretty much care for this nation. Sometimes too much that it dissapoints me, everytime i questioned and researched, over and over again. But well, i keep on going, just always on my way. That in my adult self, turns out i feel like i still have hope too. That i could still have this country survived as a home sweet home. For me, AND my family.

In this no-boundaries era, i think that's strong. Because again, maybe it's only for my family that i would digest flaws, excuses, and sugarcoat positively. And if i would ever swallow without even digest, let it be only for Allah SWT's Islam, insyaallah. Nothing but the best, my dears. So if i could ever wish this country to stay being my family's home, written in our passport~~ well, that got to be strong, and got to be for good. For me, it's already means more than just being a nationalist. May we able to work it out.

Am i getting old?

Nowadays, i see many peoples are not only smart and bright. But also wise. And thoughtful. And cultured. And inspiring too. Even the introverts, they're everywhere, out and about. I think we really are in the peak of "everybody matters" era.

Despite all the chaos and hatred and any bizarre things, it seems kinda cool eh. But ummm... i dont know. I dont mean to be negative but i feel like kinda lost my appetite just like that. I just hope it doesnt bring me any less or worse =) i wish i have anything pretty wise too to tell, but no. Im seeing all them as bizarre. Im just not impressed x]

The world is so colorful and humans are so uniques and systems are so ...crazy. just like that. I tend to over-simplifying like that, instead of bring up the good words that may enlight the humanity...........noooo im not being sarcastic. Or maybe i do. I dont know. But well, peoples are cool lately. Whatever, thats the point. I am in the peak of cool people era.

That it kinda sucks me in and maybe... i got kinda overwhelmed. (White flag). I do random wise bizarre words since primary, but now its like i dont want to do it anymore. I dont know maybe i feel like losing my privilege or something. Coolness seems cheap today. Contents are for sale. And... i dont know... it seems like no more unique for being unique today... whatever happened everything are unique every now and then though.

And so i feel im kinda going back to old values. Religion, modesty, hard work, perseverance, honesty, sincere, afterlife.... anything unfancy. Not that i nailed it though. Im pretty much lucy-generation remember... the old millenial. I grow up knowing that i am special and any other sparkly fun facts i still cant resist. But yes... i feel like i kinda do a step back.

Is it from my character. Is it from my latest thought. Is it from my age. Is it what happened to old peoples when they stop being fun (and oh at least please maybe could start being wise). Is it what happened to old boring people when they start becomes skeptical (and oh at least please dont start looking down to younger others). Is it what happened to old boring unwise people when they choose to be righteous and so stiff (and somewhat stubborn). Am i getting old like that?

I see many peoples too, say that (in their wiser self) they start narrowing their circle of peoples. That they would rather stick with the long-known-tested circle. No longer eager to expand and start new ones. Well that im not into. Somehow in that case i think i go backward. My younger self choose small circles. As i grow, i aim bigger and bigger circles.... i think to the point i cant even tell i want any certain circles. It seems like, peoples would already do. Up to this point, I thanked Allah SWT for my beloved family, really.

So honestly, in the same time im also not so much into travel all around the world or whatsoever trending now. But some cheesy branded hand bags, i cant lie. Destinations do not mesmerize me, but any street views would do. Wise people arent impressed me much. but common civils do. Regarding to that... is there any hope that its not me getting old and boring and unwise.

Cough. Well, old and boring... its hard not to get there eh. But really... despite of im being uninspired by wise words or wise peoples lately... i hope im not going unwise. As i know Allah SWT, and as a lucy generation, and as always me myself,  i actually have faith in a good life. Being unwise and shutted down, are not any of it. So, please~~ dear me, be wise.

savages

maybe this will be a sad post. maybe.

about last year. one year before now... okay, lets loose a bit, make it two, maximum. i was feeling very gracefully good, that everything seems so gracefully good for a living. Here, i meant, as a world citizen, as a moslem, as a mother, as a wife, even as part of this nation. disregarding the corruption, unreliable goverment, mind-blowing conspiracy theory, and foolish tv shows, i do feel like i have faith here, within the society, our peoples. after years of willing, learning, and waiting, i feel like i have every reason to wear hijab. it grows in me. then i do. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

not being all holy and glory, i also do the count in my journey into hijabi. my peak time of a woman/mother/wife, my dearest circles, my providing accounts, even my surrounding situations which i dont want it to be too 'pretentious' at anything at all. i remember myself saying gracefully about how nowadays ambience was generally so good for the growth of good peoples, including for moslem woman wearing hijab. social acceptance, neutral perspective, indifferent profiles, those shallow things works for good. my countings came to an end. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

turned out, it was really such a slight time of a moment. looking at nowadays today, i feel so blessed to had that moment back then. now all the fundamental things of living all have resurfaced awfully. news and opinions about religion, gender, race, nation, humanism, crime, politics, fantasy, conspiracy, alls gone savages. then thanks to social media, its blown up like crazy. now its kinda harder to love religious peoples, even for no matter what the religion. then its also kinda awkward to count on a certain hometown, or to simply look up for some great stranger, or just to be wholly excited at some good breaking news. everything seems pretentious, it makes us (or at least me) tend to be more cautious. yes im a skeptical person for most of the times, but lately, even its being a bore. i'd rather do the opposite way, trying to find bits of a pure good truth, some hope.

i'm so relieved that i took that chance in that slight of time turned me into one newbie hijabi. not that i convinced that i am now already that much of a better person by taking the momentum. its just that, i see somehow theres a high chance it did keep me away from getting derailed even further. insyaallah. or for least lets say, if i did not, i wouldnt know if i will have the courage to start this year or when is that. things are too much of blurry right now. 

it might be the world. it might be just me. but i do wish i could have again silly sarcastic politic jokes with my christian friends. i wish i could mesmerized over some adorable thin eyes and sassy attitudes of those chinese toddlers. i wish i could discuss (any) religion topics deeply and openly with my fellow friends. all without certain judgements or pretention or silly awkwardness for being cautious, just in case if i could end up hurting or being insensitive. yes, okay, it might be just me, thinking too much.

no matter how short, this world is just too pretty to be too cautious. peoples are too lovely to be misjudged, and life is too short to be too whiny. it gets me mad watching those savage arguments over every (big little) things. it gets me even more upset when i met my peoples join the crazy crowd. the time of silence is golden might literally come by now. that kind of silent, its sad ...but God said, dont be sad. i had my benefit of being a millenial though, i am ultra-positive. inhale exhale, okay!

im afraid of zombie for fun. i prepare emergency kit. im not into nature nor animals. but of course this world is beautiful. i appreciate life. i love peoples. i believe in all kindhearted people of all races, disregarding their annoying local habbits. i like western foods. i want to be a better person. i believe most people wants it too. im working and praying on my afterlife. i bless nasa peoples and all peoples in bigger seats. i just found out about the ice wall. its a lot that i dont know. big chance, i dont know everything, at all. but i love my family. i do hope we're together until jannah. i am on my way to understand better about loving because of Allah SWT. may we always have all the guidance, love, and protection needed. i look up ~~~ i look around. 

subhanallah walhamdulillahi walaa illaa ha illallahu allahu akbar.

 peluk ~~~