My father has passed away. Somebody i called papa and somebody my son called kakek. It's already been around 3 months now. Nothing really seems change. Everything still goes like usual and i seems like a heartless daughter losing her father. But not me, this is about him, whose without i wouldn't be me today, totally. I wouldn't say its delighting. There were times watching someone else's loving father (and husband) gets me envy and teary sometimes. But i never really wanted some other guy to substitute my father though. He and his trait, they enrich me. Just as i actually used to hope that i matter the same, enrich him.
He was someone who think. He was someone who love deeply. He was someone who value his pride. Nothing brings him down. No matter how people would look down to him. Someway somehow, he was someone i'd most likely into. He was someone i'd naturally had my eye on. For observing the way he think, the way he do, the way he evolve. The way he gets things done. No matter how he always been in an awkward mess. But there it goes away, my chance.
On that neatly wellcrafted day, i heard the news. I don't cry or burst a tear. Me just processing my time as his sweet gutsy daughter, as my mom's heartless companion, as my brother's slack guardian, as my fatherless sister's big sister. As a sharp niece of raged uncles and aunties, as a pokerface grandchild of hurted parents. Never as a girl's next door material, whom i always aim to, I bet he aim me to.
Me processing too my time as his marrying grownup daughter. Compromising my unintentionally cold dry relationship with him into something more like an awkward templates, of a wife, of a mom. Bringing in her husband and child to the roots of her life. No hate nor revenge, but it's not easy, for both of us, like always. I let him being shallow, he let me being awkward. I let him being uncool, he let me being cold. We both know its not easy, yet stubborn enough to keep pushing. That's while we had the time. I was pretty grateful for those particular times.
On that particularly wellcrafted time, i was on my own, in the middle of a crowd, that not allowing me to get burst. I was also in a pretty rare moment for not being accesible to my dearest life partner. And so the rest of anyone linked me to him. All of us were in a rare particular moment where we're not accessible one to another, but only on text message. So there it is. All of us had all the strong excuses to getaway safely. Thats one thing. But i have another one. All of us then too, had all the rights and freedom to process and respond in our most honest personal way. None of us coming to the funeral that day. But i believe, also on that day we put more of ourselves within him in our pray, sincerely and wholeheartedly, insyaallah.
I have a feeling, that it is what it is. Allah's scenario are just for what's best. Here and there, inside and out. If there's anything like a good closure, may he could have it. If there's anyway for all of us to reconcile, with him and ourselves, with all of our past, heart and soul, may we all could take it. If there's any chance to do better on our own capacity regarding this matter, may we all could embrace it. For what is love if it wasn't bring anything good. May he be in a good place with Allah SWT already.
RABBIGHFIRLII WALI WAALIDAYYA WARHAM HUMMA KAMAA RABBAYAANII SHAGHIIRAA
Al Fatihah
mid day sun day
