resolution 2011

Finally, I could come up with some resolutions. Been thinking about these lately. mostly about 'boundaries'. Uum, these might sounds like jokes, but they actually are some serious issues of mine. Will work them out. Really. Cheers!

1. Stop farting in public
2. Stop telling someone when farting
3. Brush teeth every morning and before go to bed
4. Stop wearing un-hot sleepy pants outside or/and at daylight
5. Wear a proper chinos/pants at daylight
6. Pray as often as possible
7. Invite shaka more often while praying
8. Wear a nursing shawl/blanket at night, as proper as possible
9. Try at best not to falling asleep while nursing
10. Go back to my old-privy language, keep it distant as well

a girl's writing

its 10 o'clock at night. and im writing like a girl. in a rent house. with a baby plus a sitter. and having a lover million miles away. i finished my period, this isnt pms, and still. i miss him. thats why i told you, im writing like a girl.

its a secret. that i had my head empty for sometimes. and i bite my tongue as i say goodbye on the phone. hold my breath, and burning eyes. or else it would sounds like sorrow. because its not. i just miss him. as i know he must have been missing me more. missing us. missing home. i just hope i didnt make this sounds so sad. because it didnt meant to. its just me, writing like a girl.

^_^

this is kinda cute actually, do you know. its 10 o'clock at night. and the lights are already off. there still is a dvd inside my player. i can hear the sounds of the clock ticking. and some securities out there are going around the blocks. my last shower was this morning. still wearing my grey roll-on t-shirt from topshop. and teared away short jeans from my sister. sitting on my

laptop and typing with one hand only, while the other support my cheek. am missing a lover. just like a girl, isnt it.

and on the other side, i cen tell. there is this baby adorably sleeping inside his soft knitted blanket from mothercare, beneath a dim yellow light in my room. oh im so ready for a whine. the room is a bit messy, i let the toys spread around the play corner there. and the smells, my room smells so baby-ish. one world you would let your self drowned in. and i can hear too, the sitter is ironing clothes back there, my clothes, my baby' clothes. just like what you have at home. shes doing her overtime. its sounds pretty real too, isnt it.

^_*

its like live in 2 different world sometimes. not that its not fun. and not that its special really. its just common, right. one time i could just swing and fly, and another time i cook and bake. one time i would babbling and being stupidly chatty, another time i gotta be firmly straight and strict. there also time when im in between. i mean, its like... um...yesterday i washed my baby's ride. cool stroller ever really, oh yeah, i was definitely in the mood. so, me, wearing that thin yellow bali shirt and blue tank inside it, with a grey sleep short washed it in my garage. while my baby played with his sitter next to me. watching and playing. we had a quite nice evening back then.

um, can you see that. i mean, me, the master, the mother, washing the damn dirty ride, at my own front door. and what do i wash again? a baby stroller. isnt it seems a bit unmatch? um. i prefer to say its a cuteness. im in the mood of washing, playing with water, and so i wash, no matter who i am. just like when i was a child, who would care anyway? mom's will deal it. haha. its just that i was washing my baby's stroller.now, im the mom. haha.

^o^

i miss him. i miss we being chatty about unimportant thing. i miss we doing the sweetness of doing nothing. i miss me, unpurposedly play around the house nagging you. i miss you, have nothing to do and hungry and so you cook. i miss us, pathatically unfed by me, so we do experiments in the kitchen. i miss us, lying on the bed, cuddling. as our hands raised away, and a bit of rambles. we bubbled into the sky. there are days when im missing you like a girl. and now, although im writing like a girl, im going to say, i miss myself missing you like a girl.

i miss preparing your breakfast, setting up your schedules, coordinating myself to you. organizing clothes so that its easy to pick and had its best timing to be wear. randomly going somewhere finding something. choosing menu. i miss having our endless morning lazy hugs and kisses. rubs on your cheeks. the weight of your arms upon me. your palms that always warmer than mine. or noticing you got into the bed at night, throw a little bit of unconscious hugs before go to sleep again. those little random things of us. i miss them.

=)

the relieving fact is, if the feelings coming out because we are separatedly far, or is it because its-time already, i dont really care. we are still the best family i ever known so far. and i hope it will still be like that for ever. that it includes you my forever baby boy.

having you with us, really is one big shot. we grow together shall we? i mean having those feeling, and seeing you sleeping in our bed, are magicly felt like a greatest gift somehow. it might sounds very contradictory, but these all, i mean this cute feeling of being bubbling, tasted wonderful. not only its becoming one good way to remind me how good your father is. or to remind us how great us is. it also to remind that little knick-knacks wouldnt do any harm, but some random imperfections that making us just perfect. and id be thankful for that. do you get me? nah...

forget it. having these all at a time really is a bless. that was the only point so far. then its on me, on us, to keep it alive. the blissful love, the blessful life, and everythings. thats all.

:fingercrossed:

seasons change

:feels like its going to be one sad posting:

no its not like something bad happened or what. its just that im having my period, and yes, seasons change. and im not used to be good with it. and i just realized, such things like this, only happen related to period season ^^

um. i basically dont know what happen. but i kinda feel that something is happening. and due to my lack of adaptation skill and bravery, i cant even say it clear and straight. um. of all the love and gifts i had, its not that im being ungrateful and not that im being grumpy. but i dont really like this. i mean, its terrifying. im scared. im not that well prepared for this kind of changing circumstances. it feels like very easy for me to drowned in, and never surface. as easy as i can say it right away before. im too silly. im too cold. im too vulnerable. im too fragile. im too childish. too clumsy. too sloppy. too scared. too stupid. too misfit... im too ready for a fall.

rasanya belakangan ini tk banyak melakukan kesalahan. itu di luar dari banyak hal yg belakangan ini tk pikir tk nggak bisa kerjain. hal-hal yg tk nggak tau sebelumnya, hal-hal yg tk nggak kepikiran sebelumnya, bahwa tk nggak bisa. hal-hal tidak berjalan sesuai rencana. dan meskipun dengan segenap hati tk berdoa dan percaya sama-sama kamu fu, tk bisa. nyatanya tk belum bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, bahwa hal-hal berjalan lebih baik dari rencana. meski dengan sangat sadar tk bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, hal-hal sudah berjalan dengan sangat baik. dan penuh kebetulan-kebetulan dari Tuhan yang ajaib dan menyenangkan.

menarik nafas. melirik kamu fu. ada rasa bersalah karena tidak bisa mendampingi dan navigasi. dan bahkan masih repot mengurus diri sendiri. perubahan demi perubahan. kamu bener fu, sekarang waktunya udah berjalan cepat, udah nggak boleh lagi serampangan atau resah sembarangan. udah bukan waktunya untuk labil terus ngilang sendirian. nggak ada waktu juga untuk tenggelam dan menelusuri kebingungan. yang menakutkan adalah kalau cuma bisa mendiamkan dan membiarkan. celahnya akan selalu terbuka untuk hinggap dan menjebak.

seasons change. do i grow any better? could i grow better? im still the person who need you to shut the hole. and now is the time you need me not to having the hole. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost. and im afraid to get it out. seasons change? i change? could i change? how if i change? should i change? seasons change and i dont know what to do. again i feel like becoming a trouble. i dont wanna be trouble. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost again.

its kinda one good thing that this season change includes new year. as if things are already meant to change. just like my baby boy stepped into such toddler world. and thankfully by the end of last year we also entered one new world of selling things. well, lets just consider its done. i mean, the changes, sillyness, adaptation matter, hard works needed, are all meant to be, and this breakdown phase is must-through. i mean, people isnt meant to be a sudden expert, yes?

pegang pipinya. tinggal mudah-mudahan tk cepet adaptasinya ya Tuhan ya... untuk tk jadi mama yang lebih canggih, jadi istri yang lebih pinter, dan untuk ttp bisa jadi sebaik-baiknya tk.

we will together grow big, grow good, and happy. i will have my faith. i love them.

and amen*

love parade

yeah! this is my new toddler ^^v