otw double digit (part.2)

Hello my not so little bundle of joy, who is now does have a lot to say, i mean really say, like an opinion, or assumption, or conclusion.  Finally we're really working on your very own bedroom, aren't we? Phase 1 done last weekend by putting the door in your very own wardrobe. I spent weeks drawing and planning. Its a hobby, making lists. But recently i found out, its also a distraction. (Well duh, of course, that what a hobby is for).

Its a bit annoying sometimes, having you roaming at night in my bed. But its already been a solid 10 years for me. You're my little bundle of warmth, how could i not have you for more? I feel kinda jaded, imagining you sleeping unseen in another room. I found myself a bit anxious, getting annoyed once again. It really is a good thing having a hobby, really.

Go on kid, grow up, while im still tuned in. I hope i will always do. I cant say that im lost for words, because i already splurge a lot, just like you said, when i have something to say, its simply got to be long. That includes when i got to say, sometimes soon, i'll have it fixed. No more long talk (unless you ask). I would do it for good, you had enough. I hope too, i've said enough. Insyaallah.

Looking at you sleeping on a bed next to mine, i feel like running out of time. It almost feels like one of my privilege will be taken away. But go on kid, bring it, you definitely got this. I got this. May the rest will catch up for good. Insyaallah. Go on kid, grow up.

otw double digit (part.1)

Hello my little bundle of joy. You gets a lot heavier this year. A lot bigger. Taller. Bulkier. Sometimes to the point where your act looks way too cute for your looks, that it might turns sour. Even for yourself. Its that hard to be cool eh :)

Your palm are thickening. And so are your feet. I dont know if you know. I dont know if you know that i know. But they are now rougher than mine. I never mention, but it kinda like how reality knocks in my head. Inside my hug. My little bundle of joy not so little anymore.

It happens and i missed you already. I will always be your heartless spoiler mom giving overrated notes and codes. And you will grow. Through and through. That in my slight moment of pray i would wish, may all these time i bring you goodness, in anyway i could be.

I want you to be tough and strong. Yet i want you to stay tender and gentle. (But how do you get it without knowing how ugly real suffer is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be smart and sharp. Yet  i want you to stay pure and naive. (How do you get it without knowing how urgent life crisis is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be bright and passionate. Yet i want you to stay cheap and humble. (Tell me just, just how do you get it without knowing how savage a true love is, tell me not.)

I want you to simply shine. Yet i want you to always stay modest. (And it seems there is no way you get it without knowing how cliche the ultimate truth actually is, or yes way?)

Meanwhile, we're not really born for cliches, i know. I had a hard time processing all these... and so just like this writings, ive been thinking about these for months. This milestone is not just yours. Ive grown into a proud mother of a baby son this far, alhamdulillah. Now I got to have some other ultimate pray, youre about to become a man. Bismillahirrahmaanirahiim.

If I Really Do Have to Say Something

My father has passed away. Somebody i called papa and somebody my son called kakek. It's already been around 3 months now. Nothing really seems change. Everything still goes like usual and i seems like a heartless daughter losing her father. But not me, this is about him, whose without i wouldn't be me today, totally. I wouldn't say its delighting. There were times watching someone else's loving father (and husband) gets me envy and teary sometimes. But i never really wanted some other guy to substitute my father though. He and his trait, they enrich me. Just as i actually used to hope that i matter the same, enrich him.

He was someone who think. He was someone who love deeply. He was someone who value his pride. Nothing brings him down. No matter how people would look down to him. Someway somehow, he was someone i'd most likely into. He was someone i'd naturally had my eye on. For observing the way he think, the way he do, the way he evolve. The way he gets things done. No matter how he always been in an awkward mess. But there it goes away, my chance.

On that neatly wellcrafted day, i heard the news. I don't cry or burst a tear. Me just processing my time as his sweet gutsy daughter, as my mom's heartless companion, as my brother's slack guardian, as my fatherless sister's big sister. As a sharp niece of raged uncles and aunties, as a pokerface grandchild of hurted parents. Never as a girl's next door material, whom i always aim to, I bet he aim me to.

Me processing too my time as his marrying grownup daughter. Compromising my unintentionally cold dry relationship with him into something more like an awkward templates, of a wife, of a mom. Bringing in her husband and child to the roots of her life. No hate nor revenge, but it's not easy, for both of us, like always. I let him being shallow, he let me being awkward. I let him being uncool, he let me being cold. We both know its not easy, yet stubborn enough to keep pushing. That's while we had the time. I was pretty grateful for those particular times.

On that particularly wellcrafted time, i was on my own, in the middle of a crowd, that not allowing me to get burst. I was also in a pretty rare moment for not being accesible to my dearest life partner. And so the rest of anyone linked me to him. All of us were in a rare particular moment where we're not accessible one to another, but only on text message. So there it is. All of us had all the strong excuses to getaway safely. Thats one thing. But i have another one. All of us then too, had all the rights and freedom to process and respond in our most honest personal way. None of us coming to the funeral that day. But i believe, also on that day we put more of ourselves within him in our pray, sincerely and wholeheartedly, insyaallah.

I have a feeling, that it is what it is. Allah's scenario are just for what's best. Here and there, inside and out. If there's anything like a good closure, may he could have it. If there's anyway for all of us to reconcile, with him and ourselves, with all of our past, heart and soul, may we all could take it. If there's any chance to do better on our own capacity regarding this matter, may we all could embrace it. For what is love if it wasn't bring anything good. May he be in a good place with Allah SWT already.

RABBIGHFIRLII WALI WAALIDAYYA WARHAM HUMMA KAMAA RABBAYAANII SHAGHIIRAA

Al Fatihah

The Wish

I was so close for being naughty today. So close. That close. Until it was only in seconds i switched back to things i supposed to do. Things i scheduled to do. Things i was not feeling i was actually into. Not that its so important too, but yes they're things i supposed to do. Alhamdulillah that or this all just come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I almost skip class mommies meeting today, as i already confirm to come to them, and my dearest two. Just like skipping class back then in my school year, once in a particular while, when i just want to be gone. That easy. So easy. But anyway, now im on my way there. I'll be late and still trying to be my content self.

Actually i could just go to the nearest mall and do useful stuff though. I planned to deposit some cash, to have my haircut (that already postponed for months), to find a laser pointer for the boy, to go to pharmacy getting another testpack, and grab my favorite local coffee while waiting school pickup time. That easy. So easy. I might regret my decision and i'm not really into these mommies anyway. But im already on my way anyway. My wiser autopilot way, hopefully.

I was crying this late morning. Crying for something like i havent done it for pretty long. I was sad. Upset. Afraid. Worry. Pity. Wishfulthinking. Well, maybe i still am. I feel my face is like swollen and its still kinda warm around my eyes. But i think i still am feeling positive. Its not like im in a deep shit or something, totally not. Alhamdulillah that or this all still come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I was just. Like. Making a wish. That i really want it to come true. I cant tell how bad. But maybe at least its bad enough to make me wanting to be gone. Turns out im not really used to make a wish. I pray for bless, peace, strength, love, and wisdom for each and everytime. But yeah, finally a particular wish do come. May it be for good. May it be for best. For each and everyone. Allahu akbar.