Core Glimmers

This started on a day, when it started unlike usual, but actually felt like coming back to usual; my favourite personal usual and my usual as a wife and mother, that will always coexist together :) these are memories i keep coming back to, either on a good day, or on such a rainy day. These are the memories that keep me grounded on my feet and hold up to my faith. These are the big ordinary moments that bring me unspeakable joy, grace, and some contentment that somehow life-changing for me. Best core memories on the go.

MAY2023

I'll start with this moment that brought me back here to this list and my journaling day :) Its around yesterday we had a chat in the morning. Pretty intense, but pretty calm and reserved. First time feeling vulnerable again after a while, being sadly honest openly. Then i had yoga, and fell asleep after savasana, right on my mat. Woke up at zuhr and had my house routines. Shaka felt unwell that day, papa picked him up himself after a while, and spend the rest of the day at home together, also after a while. We spent the evening together in shaka's room. He fell asleep at 8. I still have my routines until 9, then bathe and finished mine at 10. Shaka still felt restless, and everybody was awake at 4am. We went out and had our best 24h dimsum ever. I felt so collected as myself and as a wife/mother, that was after a while too. Anyway, this feels kinda similar with the holiday week 20 years ago, that i also put it in this list. 

OCT 2022

It's that one time in our first Singapore holiday trip after the stormy pandemic. He hold my hand, let loose, and then hold it again tighter. We crossed the road, felt like its about to loosen up again. It is, but for a while only.He holds mine back, again. I was trying hard not to tear up. But i did, quietly at night before i sleep, in his arms, in front of the big window facing the erp lanes. That very rare moment when i want to do the unnecessary illogical time freeze.

EARLY 2022

One day in my breakdown time, i was so desperately helpless and cheap, didnt have anything other than the physical (ultimate) textbook guidance. Then I opened the translation quran, my newly fresh condition quran, just random page, one page i think i could bear to read. I just throw myself in, for whatever chances, clues, and guidance i could have. Then some words seem familiar. Soon i realized that page contains that one ayah, Ayatul kursi, the peak of quran... I felt like being ultimately pampered. He is always around, taking care of me, always. This is not the first time, really. There's no such coincidence, never. Hasbunallah wanikmal wakiil.

DEC 2009

Out of all testimonials i've heard about getting pregnant and giving birth, i dont know this will be my initial feeling. This was my first time feeling proud of myself, really really proud, im not exaggerating. It was right after i gave birth to my son, when i had my baby in my arms for the first time. I wasnt kidding anyone when i say, he is [my] number one in the world :D i didnt even overthink about the 1OO meaning of being number one, at anything. He just as good as he is, and he had all my bless. Allahu akbar.

AUG 2008

I spent so many years looking at so many skies, secretly mumbling chatting venting to God. Then i have one night in masjidil haram, not far from the kabah, after I got married. I made my prayer, pretty much alone. That moment its like, i sense and absorb everything; me myself, the circumstances, the ambiance, the environment; everything around me. I looked at the black sky, not like any other skyperience before, i felt like being witnessed, soo closely by Allah SWT. Nothing so grand happened actually, except the moment itself, like in a heartful muted short video overflowed by deary meaning. This, now, maybe i am exaggerating. I was young and silly and super unknowledgeable by that time, am still now. But in my whole 7-day trip, that moment is the one i personally missed the most. The one that brings meaning and keeps connecting me to there. I feel solid grateful to even just that.

MID 2004

That one time we were watching movies in my mom's home. I lay on the sofa. You sit on the floor in front of me. Then you kissed me on the lips. Several times. Light and calm. But deep and vibrant. No words and no movement and any other gestures, but maybe some inside ourselves. Im not proud of this kinda scenes. But maybe, just maybe, what's specifically beautiful about this moment is because then, we hold back.

APR 2004

It was my first time being vulnerable and how can i not cry it out to you. The guarding wall around me is falling, I felt it. It's like turns out there is a weight on my shoulder, and it is significantly lifted. It never happened before. I anxiously told you not to be too nice/too kind/too loving because i will not be ready/cant help myself when/if you'll leave too. As i used to see everyone will eventually leave. Never i felt so exposed before, no more wall, all guards are down... alhamdulillah it was you, that even after all episodes of us i'd say, it really still is. Laa haula walaa quwata illa billah.

LATE 2003

I spent that holiday week alone in Semarang. That was in the kinda short time in my life when i was single inside out and had no strings attached, to anything and anyone, living my life the fullest, just the way i like it, maybe for the first time. And that was just a calm, slow, boring ordinary peaceful week by the way :D I guess I've been longing for that kind of life since forever.

By the way, there's one thing i just realized about this list. Generally, they are not happening in my happiest joyful years, which yes i have one, haha. Even they are on this list are probably not such fully happy memories, but a beautiful mix of so many things. Hence i'm not hesitant to title them as my best core memories. And best core memories are supposed to be like the closest thing to happiness, aren't they? if they really are, i don't mind :] my point is, regardless that technically happiness is contained of joy, grace, and contentment, truthfully its big on purpose and meaning. And those last two, is what i myself won't let go. 

words updated

when i was younger i wanna grow fast,
that i can do everything i want
when im already grown i wanna be smart,
that i can do good things good
when im already smart i wanna be pretty,
that i can be heard better
when im already pretty i wanna be true,
knowing things are real
i know things are real when i make family,
that i dont want anything more

I wrote that 12 years ago, and now I have important points to revise. 

to do everything we want is not related to age, but wisdom, which is what comes after gaining knowledge, that comes after we gain some good information.

we don't really need 'that' smart to do good things, and whether it's good or bad, the judgement is not ours. so we can just do it, anytime. Just don't forget the will beneath bismillah.

now this part is an easy one. being pretty may make people look, but not necessarily heard. being brave and sincere may work better.

and this is kinda the... challenging part. truth is, knowing which things are real in this world will always be challenging ...so just consider this only one real definite ultimate thing that we can hold for all times and circumstances. We can always turn back to Allah SWT, as to Him only, we will go back home one day, InsyaAllah.

By the way, I add notes in the last part, a few months later. that is when I've become a mother, I guess. contradictory to "I don't want anything more", I said "I want the world".

the logic behind is, that I think I want to provide as best for my baby and my family. I do, I still do. but later on, I realize how the world can be too overwhelming hahahaa ...and more, later on, i see how it doesn't really matter. 

this all everything that happens, is already available as best for us. we already have it all installed in ourselves, all the keys, antidotes, cures, anything. All we need to work on is our efforts and prayers, rest is the matter of His blessing only. All the goodness and wonders are not necessarily caused by our great skill/personality/efforts or even our endless/heartful/sincere prays, but by the blessing of Allah SWT. 

so if there is something I want to revise in this last additional part is, never forget that He already created us completely as best, that we just need to turn back to Him every now and then. So that we find Him, understand ourselves, and live a good life within truth & clarity, fulfilling our purpose. Having His blessing for here and after. that is all.

7 years and 7 months later

its true when they say reality will come and get you at year 7. the time when i lost count and missed the date to write milestones and everythings. the time when the stories are on its peak, that its actually really really literally (i said it over and over again like no other excuse i can tell) frustrating to start. new skills. school academics. social insight. peers. insight about ups and downs. money stuff. academic report. hobbies. preferance of activities. idolizing patterns. music hits. personal approach toward things. survival mechanism. flaws and weakness. etc etc.

i lost for words.

im not always easy. i become cold and distant in times. i can be quite heartless. you might know i dont mean to be rude, but i do show no mercy. im not much of sweet words. i do criticize. im not always logical. im a bit of heartwrecker. i do worry. yet im not much of technical. i could get you all drained and damp. i dont demand. but i could be the weight on your shoulder. yet i might not cooperate. i dont explain well. but still a lot that i want to say. i dont easily choose to be easy. i used to leave it for you to choose. and i dont make it easy.

they're kinda coming your way, aren't they?

i know how you like compliments and appreciations. i know how you always want to make me proud. i know you desperately wanting to nail everything i hand you to. i know how youre getting happy when i looked happy. i know how its frustrated you when you think youre frustrating me. i know when youre getting tired of my emotional me. i know too how you feel relieved when that emotional me gone. i know you just want to hug me and be a baby peacefully, and in the same time i know. you also want to gain powers and everything to take care of me and make sure everything will be safe and sound. i could figure all that. like somehow i just wish that you undoubtly know all these, like always.

because that, i might be lack of anyway. 

baby, you will always be my favorite person. you are. your strength are the coolest, your flaws are the cutest. you could be so annoying and clingy. sometimes youre so stubborn and bossy. but your mind does stands out, and peoples do notice your heart. your peoples, you bring them together. you make them shines, and you're never be outshined. never actually once, you bring me down. so far your flaws of all flaws existed, are my favorite ones that i could actually tolerate. as your eyes stubbornly sparkling, and your smile unconsciously surfacing, i hope that you will always remember. you have it all in you, goodness. just never give up trying, and believing.

that you are never alone, and never will. 

you are 7, and i feel like i cant tell reality any lighter :) dear shaka trah semesta, my little blink of the universe, you are nothing less than an ultimate bless to me. and no matter how little we always are, we have nothing less than the ultimate love and protection. it's not always about reality, not to mention which one. go rooting, some wandering, know your creator, get yourself together, be a whole, do good, find truth. Don't bother with happiness, they're always just around the corner :) you are blessed, we are.

it's always about faith, there goes reality, like i love you.

.

.

.

Al Fatihah

shaka, age 6

loves Octonauts,  Peppa Pig, and Ben and Holly.
but always says that he's fan of Ninjago and Ben 10, for the sake of coolness.

has Mixel lego creature in his wishlist for a year.
but when its time to buy, always falling for Korean cute-tech savvy vehicle-robot like Superwings.

loves Transformers literally because it can transform.
then he creates anything that transform while in imaginary-playing.

having his first robot toy and so happy about it.

dislike minions.
doc mcstuffin is a guilty pleasure.

his girlfriends say he is cute.
he says back grumpily, "no i'm cool!"
then the girl will even go crazier.

has cried watching a movie for the first time, A Good Dinosaur.
cry like a river, and the gloomy thought remaining for days.

got over Sammie ToysRUs channel.
big fan of Evantube HD channel.
cant get enough of VAT19.com
......imaginarily having his page at shaka/vat19.com
.......that's how he put his mark on some papers or walls

don't want monotonous order in a restaurant
"nanti aja liat dulu dong di restorannya ada apa"
and he keeps end up in good old chicken steak, chicken rice, nasi lele, or mi ayam.

demanding for his own adult-style, no, man-style wallet.
he got it, so happy about it, very possesive about it.

waiting his tooth falling out.
means he's growing up and its so cool.
means tooth fairy can exchange it for some money for his wallet.

like to keep his hair long.
want to have pimples.
keep losing his flipflops.
like to have his tops tucked in his pants.

loves subject science, PE, IT
always get challenged by math quizzes.

have many places int he world he wanted to visit.

that keeps him love learning and schooling.

desperately wanna grow up.
but want to stay with mommy forever.
willing to buy a land near this home of ours
so when he has to move out he will live near still

believe that papi can do everything.
i'm still failing to explain that it's not true.

keep drawing anything with rainbow.
all titled with "Its A Beautiful Day"
he always put the color in correct order.
start to mention about finding treasure in the end of the rainbow.

value his go-to-bed prayer so much.

when im not around, he yells
"mama, bismika-nya berapa kali? 1 apa 3 apa 5?"
"...3 aja deh kayak biasa ya"
"kalo kata Allah bilangnya apa?"
"........." 

when half asleep already, he whispers
"mama, shaka di-bismillah-in..."

well.......i always do, kid. 
i always do.

wishfulthinking

am still thinking about what i could wish and pray for my son's birthday. and of all his ups and downs lately, i really cant find a special spot left for me to fulfill. yes maybe its the mom-thing that i could always find the goods of all his trait and else. but at least for this moment, if theres really anything urgent enough for a miraculous wish. its not upon him.

we the parents, need it a lot more this time :) sorry kid. this year wishes, go to us. why? because we pray specially for you everyday already anyway. why us? because we are yours anyway. why again? because you actually are already a perfect complete whole.

supaya mama papa selalu dan semakin sabar untuk melihat dan mendengar. selalu dan semakin bijak untuk bicara dan bertindak. selalu dan semakin manis untuk menenangkan dan menyenangkan. selalu dan semakin hangat untuk tempat pulang dan berkembang. selalu dan semakin kuat untuk menjaga dan terjaga. hati dan pikiran. ucapan dan perbuatan. supaya selalu penuh hormat dan kasih sayang. dengan keberanian dan ketulusan. di dalam kebenaran dan kebaikan. senantiasa dekat dan bersama-sama Allah SWT. 

of all the goods and bads, may us being the best and most compatible mother-father to you dear kiddo. that is how in the end, may it all coming back to you :) love is a strong word. i just hope its strong enough to fulfill this wish for you. 

welcoming 5 years old kid

good morning my soon-no longer-a baby kid. my all time favorite boy. my number one in the world :) selamat pagi mas...

before you entering the age of start remembering (i assumed), there are certain things id like to tell. things id wish you to know. things for least i need to deliver :)

your father and your mother arent the very best people in the world. we arent even the most adorable person, as you may think so :) we have flaws, so many. we make mistakes, so often. we hate and hurt people, in a particular sometimes... 

your father and your mother arent always the most wise and know-it-all. we most of the times, are just trying to figure out things :) things to do with us, with you, with other peoples, the world. we most of the times are just praying and working, for things to work out, right and good, as smooth as possible.

yes, those might sounds uneasy. but no matter what the truth is, thats actually not my point. the thing is, that no matter what, still you will always have us. even in a gazillion stars distance, or in a tiniest piece of rain second, or in a darkest blindness of moment, or even in a flaming hell of a bursting anger. you will always have us. or in simpler way, we are actually yours.

then come the second thing. that you are actually way moooore beyond all that. since the very beginning to the very last, you will always have your own, Shaka Trah Semesta :) well, we dont name you after ours. and if its happened, naming you after something, its the universe. but no, its not about how huge it is. its even actually about only a blink of eye. time when you have to get back to your inner self. that you already have it all within yourself. your universe. its about faith :) 

“Inama Amruhu Idza Arada Sya’ian An Yaqula Lahu Kun Fayakun” (QS. Yasin: 82).

your father and your mother arent the most noble and religious person. its kinda unnecesarry to tell our belief assumed :) but all we know is that Allah SWT been so kind to us. like all the time. fulfilling every slit and slot of our life. and its been ultimately genius and wonderfully crafted. there how i know that Allah SWT love us. like so much. and never stop. no matter what. and these all, includes you. its so magical that how can we not love back.

life is good, mas. we will always around. Allah will always with you. and more than anything, you will actually always have yourself. do love, and things will find a way.
to be true, to be kind, to be good, to be happy. 

we all love you, infinity times infinity.

hello year 9

10 things I love about what I am when I'm with you
1. I feel safe, not afraid of anything
2. The world seems clearer, places looks familiar, and peoples become understandable
3. Dreams become reachable, many efforts will do, and miracle does happen 4. Life seems a lot more simple, greatness and obstacles just simply around, and somehow I can see all happens for a reason, right one
5. Happy is happy. Sad is sad. Mad is mad, and else. They're natural, just like how it should be. I can see we're simply human
6. I mingle better, with the world and its peoples; I mingle better, with reality and other's point of view
7. Yet I can see how my origins can actually take parts and become useful
8. I feel like a real person, with real strength and weaknesses; like a real female person, with real tasks and privileges
9. I recognize love, and I feel it
10. I don't feel like I need anything else


10 things I love about him
1. His insightful knowledge abt business/politic/communication
2. His ability to respond nicely, smartly, and quickly, for most of peoples
3. The way he laughs out and giggles
4. When he sleeps and lays his head around my neck and curling in
5. When he let me sleeps and lay my head on his arm and he hug me
6. When he's in a good bright adventurous mood
7. His chin, his palms, his arms, the curve in the middle of his stomach
8. His leadership, protectiveness
9. His being someone I could always trust and count on, no matter what
10. When he's singing happily, freely


10 things I love about us together
1. We driving, trying new roads, heading don't know where
2. We in the convenient store, picking own stuffs, mocking each other's picks
3. We in the mall, holding hands for seconds, touching shoulders for moments
4. That I can still able sleep close to you, even when we're in a fight
5. When things gone bad and you don't feel like talking, your feet hook mine, like convincing that you're still around
6. We waking up in the morning, naturally finding hugs, like a reflex
7. That we don't give up fighting for us
8. That we don't give up being ourselves when doing that, and still consider each other's selves
9. That I know that we actually could always be good friends
10. That for what I am when I'm with you

:)

battle of style: the closing

291012

Few days ago, I was kinda remain about a pray, a confusion, and an unsolved question...

Berani karena benar. Takut karena salah.

I might begin with that, but no. That's not positive enough for me. And I'm not supposed to be afraid. I know, I wasn't wrong though.

Dan teringat saat kebingungan beberapa waktu lalu. Kalau bukan orang tua yang pingin punya anak penurut, lalu kemudian apa?

There I was in a situation that remind me why. Why I'm here of all the version of a happy life. Why I don't actually want such only an obey kiddos, even without good reason to say.

Jadilah lebih dari sekadar penurut, fu kecil. Milikilah kekuatan untuk beranjak mencari kebenaran, kenalilah. Milikilah keberanian untuk memilihnya, setulus hati. Milikilah kecerdasan untuk dapat melakukannya, dengan kebaikan.

Peoples remind me about karma. Actually I'm not really sure if its good or bad, doing things this way. But for sure, it isn't easy, technically and mentally. That includes me telling these all to you, too ^^ grow big baby, grow good, grow happy...

Dan ketika terasa sampai di ujung jalan, ternyata kebingungan. Seperti ada kesalahan. Hati dan pikiran, ucapan dan perbuatan, tidak bisa diselaraskan. Maka bukanlah takut. Tetaplah berani, untuk berserah. Yang Maha Kuasa ada di sana, selalu, memeluk.

Never forget, to let God do the rest. Right after you made your steps and pray. Right after you did your best, even at your worst, inside out. Have faith ^^

home maker

ada orang yang menulis di titik terendahnya. ada orang yang menulis di titik tertingginya. tk, mungkin adalah yang menulis saat berada diantaranya.

sebenarnya tk selalu menulis saat berada di titik terendah, tapi hal itu menjadi sangat negatif dan tidak tampak sebagai sesuatu yg layak diingat. ummm, mungkin dulu waktu sebelum 20, ketika kegilaan kadang masih bisa keliatan brilian, tp skrg, hmmm i need all the positivity i could possibly have :p ...jadi tulisan2 di titik terendah itu, kebanyakan untuk dihilangkan.

Dan di titik tertinggi... tentu sangat memforsir diri untuk menulis. tapi biasanya terlalu sibuk, dan tulisannya nggak lebih dr sekedar memo :p so here i am.

di area antara. ingin menuliskan yang rendah. ingin menguraikan yg tinggi ^^ seringnya sedang kecapekan. ingin menjadi jujur. secara benar.

hmmmm... jd gini... bisa dibilang sekarang ini, jadwal berantem sama fufa jelek itu nyaris tiap 2 minggu sekali -___-' sekitar itulah. it seems so hard to survive a month without it. dan coba apa, itu bahkan sdh lebih baik drpd sekitar tahun lalu. gini ni siklusnya. hari ke 1 berantem, 2 dingin, 3 salah satu mencoba ngadem, 4 berdua mencoba ngadem, 5 kalem, 6 recovery, 7-14 getting better, from zero to hero, great times altogether... dan kemudian tanpa ada apa2, tiba2 dtg lg hari ke 1 -____-"

heheheh... tampak lucu ya, tapi nggak deh. selalu ada kekhawatiran kalo ada sisa-sisa kejahatan, sisa-sisa kesalahan, sisa-sisa sakit hati, atau sisa-sisa apapun yg bisa menjerumuskan. we, or at least me... i dont know if one day i could ever be used to it... in any way, a fight seems will never be familiar to me. but maybe in the contrary, ...i like it having ones. bukannya apa, nikahan tanpa ada berantem, itu juga tdk normal... its just, i hope we could survive through them all. the fightings, the hurtings, the thoughts, the anythings... its scarry. so much scarry...

kadang tk berpikir kalau-kalau sampai ada yg diantara kita berdua sampai pada limit capek masing2. hmm... adakah itu...*knock on wood. i mean, i believe we love each other, i trust him is a good smart person, and a responsible husband and father. sabar dan ikhlas emang pe-er nya. in times, i gotta learn   to trust that shit happens and it doesnt mean that i dont belong. its not that i have to let go. but its how i have to hold on and make it good. then leave the rest of it. and for those everything, there always be a chance, even just the slightest, for us to survive, happily.

i always have to remember the day when i see clearly how God put us together, for a reason, a good one. yes, there was that day when i look at to the black sky above His house, and he seems so near, and chuckled. im glad i had that moment. i know it gonna be useful, having the faith of us. that its the right thing to be. jadi begitulah kira2, kalau dari perspektif tk, bisa menulis begini sambil sebel, sedih, kuatir, tapi mulai tenang itu, artinya kira2 ada di siklus hari ke 3 atau 4 :p

this is aint so positive. why do i write it?

cuma untuk mengingatkan ^^ kalau ini udah bolak-balik terjadi. dan setelah diuraikan jd terasa agak normal. biasa saja. pada kenyataannya masih punya banyak untuk disyukuri. termasuk untuk mensyukuri bahwa berantem hari ke3 meski masih nyinyir2an, tp udh bisa ketawa bareng hari ini. mungkin masih ketawa yg diusahakan. tapi artinya ada usaha, dan jelas nggak cuma sendirian aja. somewhere there, hes also trying to do good, surviving us.  nggak peduli di hari ke1 bawaannya mau kabur ajah :p its a positive thing, i think.

juga untuk mengingatkan... kalau ini udah terjadi berbulan-bulan, dan betapapun jeleknya perasaan dan pemikiran yg  pernah lewat ataupun tinggal tetap... pada intinya, ternyata nggak ada yg berubah dari tk. nggak sedikitpun terpikir menyesal atau tidak puas, menginginkan yg selain ini. marah, sakit hati, sedih, sebel, jelas ada. rekaman peristiwa juga ada. lebih dari itu, tk tau nggak mungkin tk merasakan itu sendirian aja. Bahkan pada saat terburuknya, tk tau orientasi fufa jelek itu, lebih dari tk tau orientasi tk sendiri, lebih dari penjelasan dia atas orientasinya. meskipun yang akan tk pegang adalah penjelasannya aja :p i know it always there. the love, goodness, wise person inside of him. all within integrity. dengan begitu tk tau bahwa tk jg harus bertahan. karena pada satu titik tk sadar bahwa kita masih memperjuangkan hal yang sama.

i may whine, but i should let alone feelings to move on. i just hope he could stand me whining, and asking, in confuse, and take times to understand :p as i hope i could stand him being distant in times, tricky, and doing such an oh-please-network -___-" ...i hope we'll always eachother's back, and front. ah and maybe working out the unpleasant trait day by day would be helpful.... well, lately he told me to ask things in detail when praying, so there they are... :p

i found myself still loving him to the core, knowing that he's a great husband for me and super father for my kid, wanting to be with him like forever, working a warm good home for him and kiddo, be happy altogether. that what i should remember myself.

water-dragon breeze

its been a while ^^

my lil family been through a pretty much ups and downs. new schedule. new chores. new milestones. new vision perhaps :p but think its now somewhat started to be left behind. um. we re just somewhat trying to be more focus i guess. trying to be as good, as effective, as possible. last year was a blast. for mviko to quit his job, for my lil baby to reach two, for me to keep sane :p one cant, i cant imagine how i count week by week month by month, until i came to a point where nothing seems really matter. maybe God saved me, because God (always) save us so far. and once i  cant see it as a good indication, as if we need help that big or what..... but then again i came again to that point where me doesnt matter. God knows better, and been so kind and cuddly, there must be some good reason for everything. amen. though i cant tell if its faith or forces of nature talking, but there were i standing. just try to be more focus on what im doing. and i hugged Him before then, before everything else. there were i.

so, what im doing? ^^ me, im seeing how much i can be an assistant. a companion. a friend in need. a partner. anything as part of an integrated support system to my family, with all of my strength and weaknesses. yea, in times, feeling seems unnecessary but a ruin factor. but um. lets just embrace it and take it as a bless. embrace, i dont know i will come to a time to really use this phrase. and about what i found, what i try to analyze, what i try to accept, what i try to see, it might takes forever or never to get it solved. it will always be debatable, and theres no use to prolong (except ure in such a pms mood to calm u down and to keep u sane by making other people insane). so i won't go detailing. its just, by the end of the day, again, i found myself loving people im here with right now.
my husband as a whole package, is still the greatest who brought me my most happiness, most secure and comfort feelings ive ever had, and keep on doing it. and nothing else to say about my baby, as always. its a definite feeling when u see him in the eye and he do it back and the clock stop ticking and hes smiling. he simply mesmerized me by his every inch, his every move and saying. having them as a family. even to reach myself as today this way is already a bless.

and, whats happened? um, i'll try to make it short. mviko quit his job and finally for the first time, we 3 stay together in a house, i guess its started at around june 2011. then we practically do this and that, every little things count. and yeah ok, its miracle that gets us survived. i think we kinda live in such alternative way. um, it might sounds somewhat cool, but trust me it just wasnt that fancy. then maybe due to some gradual changes happened to our life (me pregnant-newborn-breastfeeding-pms coming back-me as a mom-new enterpreneur-living together-and else i cant remember... see, too many changes and waves in a time is aint fancy) ...there were slight clashes, and crashes too :p well, new year feels like a breeze to me since then, its like "ok its new year, everything new a re allowed to happened, right about now..." hihihi... its been a kinda exhausting year before...

and the baby? wow. shaka boy reached a lot. umm... he's two and he can count until ten either in english or bahasa. now he's 25mos and he already understand the different between numbers and alphabets (finally). the 3 first colors he recognized is green, orange, purple,disregarding the yellow whose sooo oftenly come, so that i cant tell if he really recognize it or not. but now he already knew green, orange, purple, yellow, pink, blue, black... sometimes grey and white... without red -___- odd eh?! and then his 3 first songs are burung kakatua, tiktiktik bunyi hujan, cicak-cicak di dinding,... but now hes seems so fond in naik kereta api. his favorite creature fellow started by hippo, then the excavator... and it grows to truck, taxi, police car/ambulance, mixer, compactor and those big vehicles. and about a week ago he also made his 1st scientific question/statement. hes standing in the car back seat seeing the sky then say "the star, the moon, is walking, following shaka" ...i think, wow.

and by the way, after 2 years sailing here in this house, we will move in a very early march, next month. gotta move to another rent house. its pretty a while eh... ^^ and mviko is now again in distant, after like 6 months stay together here. i missed him. no  matter how peace right now is, writing in the night, having my own schedule as i like, i want him here like always. even with any errands that could possibly happened. we 3 together are just too worth.  i missed him. no matter what could possibly lay beneath. kinda hope he feels the same, even just a slightest. but anyway, may this bless works forever. may it be the greatest.

what to pray is for

im not the prettiest, nor the coolest person around. not even the most fun or easy to hang with. thats for sure ^^ and i might not be the wisest and a strongest person that a person might need.
and there were i feeling so much grateful. i have the most content husband and he is too, the brightest. that i wonder where he comes from ^^ being resourceful and quite a place to go home.
yea, there re not much i can tell about it, but theres this thing i should tell, its so very delightful to have someone to kiss and to hug and do it back for you no matter what. and that i know you wont go nowhere, then its my only choice to make the best of it ^^ to make u happy. amen.

no mercy

i want to watch the movie harry potter

i want to watch the movie eclipse

i want to watch the movie x men

i want to finish reading the book children are from heaven

i want to buy and read (again) some other female magazine

i want to stroll in the morning

i want to do sunbathing in the afternoon

i want to eat a joy flavour ice cream

i want to buy you my favorite ice cream

i want to eat junkfood with a little cute guilt

i want to sail the city in the smell of freedom

i want to simply hold your hand like freedom

i want to have my dvd night again

i want to share my favorite movie to you

i want to do yoga again

i want to blog, the result is almost the same for me

i want to go shopping by myself

i want to go alone without feeling alone

i want to have that old wise friend in you

i want to crazily redecorate my house and my house-to-be

i want to have those silly fight about that house

i want to be complained in any crazy decision ive made

i want to feel free to love

i want to love you, without hesitate

i want you

and this is all about me and what i do

and oh yeah actually i dare to do everything.

too ready for a fall

im tired. like everyone else.
i write words, many times, just to delete it again. the substance is the same.
seasons change. we oftenly screwed, each other. but still, its easier for me to deal with you, than with myself, as usual. and so its kinda impossible for me to forgive myself.
that i feel like now i won't be surprised if u hate me, or worse.
that i feel like im ready to love u alone, by myself, as i used to do with peoples back then before.
i love u i love u i love u. and i dont need anything else. to make u suffer will never be my objective. id rather go.

i love him. and trust him. more than everyone i ever known. and im not telling this for him to stay. im telling this to show how screwed i am. and the choice is his.

a girl's writing

its 10 o'clock at night. and im writing like a girl. in a rent house. with a baby plus a sitter. and having a lover million miles away. i finished my period, this isnt pms, and still. i miss him. thats why i told you, im writing like a girl.

its a secret. that i had my head empty for sometimes. and i bite my tongue as i say goodbye on the phone. hold my breath, and burning eyes. or else it would sounds like sorrow. because its not. i just miss him. as i know he must have been missing me more. missing us. missing home. i just hope i didnt make this sounds so sad. because it didnt meant to. its just me, writing like a girl.

^_^

this is kinda cute actually, do you know. its 10 o'clock at night. and the lights are already off. there still is a dvd inside my player. i can hear the sounds of the clock ticking. and some securities out there are going around the blocks. my last shower was this morning. still wearing my grey roll-on t-shirt from topshop. and teared away short jeans from my sister. sitting on my

laptop and typing with one hand only, while the other support my cheek. am missing a lover. just like a girl, isnt it.

and on the other side, i cen tell. there is this baby adorably sleeping inside his soft knitted blanket from mothercare, beneath a dim yellow light in my room. oh im so ready for a whine. the room is a bit messy, i let the toys spread around the play corner there. and the smells, my room smells so baby-ish. one world you would let your self drowned in. and i can hear too, the sitter is ironing clothes back there, my clothes, my baby' clothes. just like what you have at home. shes doing her overtime. its sounds pretty real too, isnt it.

^_*

its like live in 2 different world sometimes. not that its not fun. and not that its special really. its just common, right. one time i could just swing and fly, and another time i cook and bake. one time i would babbling and being stupidly chatty, another time i gotta be firmly straight and strict. there also time when im in between. i mean, its like... um...yesterday i washed my baby's ride. cool stroller ever really, oh yeah, i was definitely in the mood. so, me, wearing that thin yellow bali shirt and blue tank inside it, with a grey sleep short washed it in my garage. while my baby played with his sitter next to me. watching and playing. we had a quite nice evening back then.

um, can you see that. i mean, me, the master, the mother, washing the damn dirty ride, at my own front door. and what do i wash again? a baby stroller. isnt it seems a bit unmatch? um. i prefer to say its a cuteness. im in the mood of washing, playing with water, and so i wash, no matter who i am. just like when i was a child, who would care anyway? mom's will deal it. haha. its just that i was washing my baby's stroller.now, im the mom. haha.

^o^

i miss him. i miss we being chatty about unimportant thing. i miss we doing the sweetness of doing nothing. i miss me, unpurposedly play around the house nagging you. i miss you, have nothing to do and hungry and so you cook. i miss us, pathatically unfed by me, so we do experiments in the kitchen. i miss us, lying on the bed, cuddling. as our hands raised away, and a bit of rambles. we bubbled into the sky. there are days when im missing you like a girl. and now, although im writing like a girl, im going to say, i miss myself missing you like a girl.

i miss preparing your breakfast, setting up your schedules, coordinating myself to you. organizing clothes so that its easy to pick and had its best timing to be wear. randomly going somewhere finding something. choosing menu. i miss having our endless morning lazy hugs and kisses. rubs on your cheeks. the weight of your arms upon me. your palms that always warmer than mine. or noticing you got into the bed at night, throw a little bit of unconscious hugs before go to sleep again. those little random things of us. i miss them.

=)

the relieving fact is, if the feelings coming out because we are separatedly far, or is it because its-time already, i dont really care. we are still the best family i ever known so far. and i hope it will still be like that for ever. that it includes you my forever baby boy.

having you with us, really is one big shot. we grow together shall we? i mean having those feeling, and seeing you sleeping in our bed, are magicly felt like a greatest gift somehow. it might sounds very contradictory, but these all, i mean this cute feeling of being bubbling, tasted wonderful. not only its becoming one good way to remind me how good your father is. or to remind us how great us is. it also to remind that little knick-knacks wouldnt do any harm, but some random imperfections that making us just perfect. and id be thankful for that. do you get me? nah...

forget it. having these all at a time really is a bless. that was the only point so far. then its on me, on us, to keep it alive. the blissful love, the blessful life, and everythings. thats all.

:fingercrossed:

seasons change

:feels like its going to be one sad posting:

no its not like something bad happened or what. its just that im having my period, and yes, seasons change. and im not used to be good with it. and i just realized, such things like this, only happen related to period season ^^

um. i basically dont know what happen. but i kinda feel that something is happening. and due to my lack of adaptation skill and bravery, i cant even say it clear and straight. um. of all the love and gifts i had, its not that im being ungrateful and not that im being grumpy. but i dont really like this. i mean, its terrifying. im scared. im not that well prepared for this kind of changing circumstances. it feels like very easy for me to drowned in, and never surface. as easy as i can say it right away before. im too silly. im too cold. im too vulnerable. im too fragile. im too childish. too clumsy. too sloppy. too scared. too stupid. too misfit... im too ready for a fall.

rasanya belakangan ini tk banyak melakukan kesalahan. itu di luar dari banyak hal yg belakangan ini tk pikir tk nggak bisa kerjain. hal-hal yg tk nggak tau sebelumnya, hal-hal yg tk nggak kepikiran sebelumnya, bahwa tk nggak bisa. hal-hal tidak berjalan sesuai rencana. dan meskipun dengan segenap hati tk berdoa dan percaya sama-sama kamu fu, tk bisa. nyatanya tk belum bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, bahwa hal-hal berjalan lebih baik dari rencana. meski dengan sangat sadar tk bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, hal-hal sudah berjalan dengan sangat baik. dan penuh kebetulan-kebetulan dari Tuhan yang ajaib dan menyenangkan.

menarik nafas. melirik kamu fu. ada rasa bersalah karena tidak bisa mendampingi dan navigasi. dan bahkan masih repot mengurus diri sendiri. perubahan demi perubahan. kamu bener fu, sekarang waktunya udah berjalan cepat, udah nggak boleh lagi serampangan atau resah sembarangan. udah bukan waktunya untuk labil terus ngilang sendirian. nggak ada waktu juga untuk tenggelam dan menelusuri kebingungan. yang menakutkan adalah kalau cuma bisa mendiamkan dan membiarkan. celahnya akan selalu terbuka untuk hinggap dan menjebak.

seasons change. do i grow any better? could i grow better? im still the person who need you to shut the hole. and now is the time you need me not to having the hole. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost. and im afraid to get it out. seasons change? i change? could i change? how if i change? should i change? seasons change and i dont know what to do. again i feel like becoming a trouble. i dont wanna be trouble. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost again.

its kinda one good thing that this season change includes new year. as if things are already meant to change. just like my baby boy stepped into such toddler world. and thankfully by the end of last year we also entered one new world of selling things. well, lets just consider its done. i mean, the changes, sillyness, adaptation matter, hard works needed, are all meant to be, and this breakdown phase is must-through. i mean, people isnt meant to be a sudden expert, yes?

pegang pipinya. tinggal mudah-mudahan tk cepet adaptasinya ya Tuhan ya... untuk tk jadi mama yang lebih canggih, jadi istri yang lebih pinter, dan untuk ttp bisa jadi sebaik-baiknya tk.

we will together grow big, grow good, and happy. i will have my faith. i love them.

and amen*

what to do after A year :countdown:

menjelang shaka 1 tahun, menjelang tahun baru, dan mumpung papanya shaka lagi nggak di rumah dan ngaja ikea-an terus... mama mau bikin planning...

planning ini dibuat dengan serius, dan diharapkan juga disertai dengan follow up financial planning yang sama seriusnya ^o^ hihihi...

:aslinya sih lagi abis-abisan... jadi yuk kita mimpi dulu aja:

MY WORLD OF SHAKA

2011 - shaka 1 tahun

#1 Belajar travel ^_^

sama oma, eyang, kakung, om, auntie, mama, papa, digilir deh satu-satu gapapa

buat warming up... pengenalan sama dunia luar, ahahaha =D luar negeri kalo bisa mah....

#2 Pindah rumah sendiri

rumah baru, kasur baru, dipan baru, lemari baru, meja makan baru, ... ayo kita sama-sama bilang amiiin..... ^^v

#3 Fropper bike by Okiedogs

uh... i really heart the design....

2012 - shaka 2 tahun

#1 Main sekolah-sekolahan

ikut paketnya di Cikal... insyaallah masih affordable dan bisa jadi tempat main-main dan pengenalan sekolah beserta proses belajar dan bersosialisasi yg nyenengin...

#2 (easi-peasi) working-mama again eh?

let's see the available vacancy in the dream school ya =)

#3 CRIB baru buat shaka

anak mama udah gede dooong, udah disapih, bobonya juga mulai sendiri ya.... ntar nyari tempat tidur serius ya... semacam daybed/box bayi yg agak besar yg desainnya memungkinkan utk co-sleeping sama mamapapa dan dipake s/d shaka 5tahunan, aman, dan, bisa jadi box lagi buat kalau punya adek lagi nantiii... ^_* (masih sangat suka cot 3in1 ini.... atau babybelle winston yg lebih murah, tapi katanya drop-side crib spt itu udah di US di-banned krn nggak aman... jd 3in1 cot ini masih sgt perrfect... oh i love customized design!)

2013 - shaka 3 tahun

#1 Entering playgroup

shining star it is??? let's see ^o^

#2 Mobil baru...

*eh!* ....hihihi, ayo bilang amiiin lagiii!

2014 - shaka 4 tahun

#1 Disneyland Hongkong!!!

it's said that it's perfect for toddler 3-5 years old... and me want touring Hongkong city!!

yuk piknik bertiga sama mamapapa... hap hap hap ^_^

2015 - shaka 5 tahun

#1 Shaka mau adek?

ready for a new family member? ready for another new happy world and joy?

*eh!* ^_^

ahahahaha ^^V *fingercrossed*

july 17th

actually its kinda annoying having one birthday of your love in distance. its like no matter what i do will never seems enough. fuh....

so i'll just wait you come home and grab your present. due to financial pressure, there's nothing so fancy for this year, but still you gonna like it lah ^_^

i'm with you. we're with you. it's like for ever.

daysleeper

lately i forgot feeling sleepy at night

and lately im not good at night sleep

and im not used to take a nap

that now its like i scramble days into one

lately i forgot how delicious a night sleep could be

and lately i dont know how and when to say good night

and so the days seems not over yet

that everything still seems so awake and tasteful

lately i forgot any of my good night sleep

and lately it seems didnt matter that much

i curl beside you as i watch you hear you feel you

the world just simply turns around you, dear

guess thats why i'd like for a companion.

no, i need companion.

and its you.

my only another definition of you.

when the (later) time is come (1st letter)

:later will come when the time is come. you'll know it when you know it:

hihihi... statement usil dari mama usil yg habis baca postingan terakhir *hey (later), datengnya jgn cepet2 yaw ^_*

hey shaka baby, i have a present =D this below is your father's first letter, it arrived this noon on facebook. i copy this just in case he forgot documenting this first glorious milestones of him.

karena papanya suka sibuk ngeksis sendiri *hahahah*

Dear son,

I've heard many good things about you in the end of this week you have been successful through the journey at a family gathering without the thundering cries, congratulations. I also heard you will eat papaya today, after yesterday you eat a banana and avocado. I apologize for not always able to accompany you to do good things for the first time. But I'm sure, with your mother by your side, you will be better able to learn how to become a man.

my clarification: no thundering cries, but there still were the famous serial cries though =D hahaha, its ok, mama still likes that. and yes, you eat your first papaya this noon, and you seems like it. and yes, you will become a (good) man. hihihi...

The best thing in this week I've heard is that you have to crawl for the first time, ... yes, you are now a crawling baby.. Congratulation again son,..

my another clarification: it was your first crawl son, but it didnt mean that you already are capable of crawling, ok ^o^ but still, congrats! you already did good on your almost 6mos.

And now, I think is the right time to write my first letter to you, a simple letter that might be a pathway to life in the future. yes, ..I wrote this because you already started to crawl now, you are crawling baby….

Son, may you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future. May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments. May you always feel loved.

Son, I think it’s enough, I do not want to write a long letter, which will only make you fall asleep when your mother read it to you.

no, your papa made mistakes here. you (we) won't fall asleep reading this. we even should keep our eyes, our head, and connection to google translate fully awake =D but well, the several times repeat reading could be worth this time. QC passed =) thats why i didnt do any interruption in several paragraph above.

Finally, I deliberately included a few people in this note to tell you, those are some of the great people, and may be will become a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished, and you can take good things from them all…

and if only i (or you) would add some more person, we can just pick it randomly. the point is that, there are so many good things around, even sometimes its become too many, that its forgiven if in this case, sometimes you just want to throw the coins =)

w/ love,
your dad.

PS: Son, if your mother read this letter too fast for you, tell her to repeat it, more slowly ...

na ah, you won't need me reading this to you. i bet your father just cant help for adding some ps: in the bottom of his letter =p

oh and not to forget, i also add this note below the letter on facebook:

and you can collect my letters someday in some particular times with your father who will tell where the letters are and when the particular time is ^_*

so here you are baby, surrounding by my world of letters ^^ enjoy!

hihihi... *cium pipi terus kabur*

to love with a smile

it was a quite fine afternoon today. we 3 had the good mood to walk around the cluster. then we had a very comfy sit in our front porch. then the helper took my baby for another walk. leave me and the papap sitting. then we found ourselves still sit, calmly, and a bit chatty. we chat about leaves pattern, about roller skate, about princess leia, about onion, about the life of nowadays babysitter, about our helper, and a bit of everything else. and then the helper came, and the baby already slept. then again, we found ourselves still comfily sit. smiling at the baby, and continue being chatty. until we heard the baby's soft weep. and then we came in, accompany him to sleep. accompany our soul to have our day completed.

that's cute isn't it. i don't really care if its somehow cheesy or what. because it really is cute to me. definitely something i would run after, even for my whole life ^^

i was once a person not knowing how love could be that good, or in this case, tastes good. i know love is big since forever. love is the ultimate power could ever exist. the ultimate power could ever change a person. the ultimate power ones could ever be very thankful. the ultimate power could turn the world upside down, for real. and the ultimate power could never be spelled as well. and so on. thats what i know, and honestly, thats what i always believe. its just there you see the missing part. nobody smart seems like willing to say that love means happiness, or at least, that love tastes good. and frankly, there were i, just like a dizzy hippie.

and now im gladly mumbling about household craps as if im talking about love. don't you dare to poke, you don't know what im going through, hahah! ^^ no, its not it.

of all the fairy tale i known, of all the stories i read, of all the people i seen, i know, love is big. it contains anything important. thats how people could beautify. we human already have that gift to tend to being melodramatic over anything important, right. hey, its no cheesy. who said to love is easy. didnt anybody tell you that it costs a lot, i mean, very lot, just like all of your money,... no no, its like, all of your energy,... no no, its like, all of your time in this world,... oh no no, its just like, all of your existence being as a human. nah! would you like to ever found one then? ...bingo! i guess thats why the words is fall-in-love, instead of fly-on-love. it sounds cute at first, but then it becomes scarry. again, frankly, there were i, a hippie with her dilemma.

i lost my ground. i dried my air. i gave up words. no, love, it won't be something you'd like to find. it tears you up. what you'd like to do with it is just to utopically dream and watch it ^^

people admire the sacrifice of a mother, thats love. people adore the crazyness of a lover, thats love. people sing about a deep agony, a beautiful catastrophe, and whatsoever seems big, and they call it love. there're seems like only a very few good things left, as if it gotta be belong to someones very special. or else, that gotta be just fake. of course i dont want to be some fake, so it seems like i picked the common way, that it mostly made me puke. hahah! i cannot stand it, then i quit, being automatic. i fell asleep. until he found me, a hippie in the edge of her sanity. half awake, and half asleep. very conscious, yet very drunk. he poked me, then i fell. in the world i thought was hell.

and there i see myself with you both this afternoon. gladly being chatty about cheesy life and mentioning love within a smile. it was heaven to me.

thank you for finding and dragging me here ^^