:feels like its going to be one sad posting:
no its not like something bad happened or what. its just that im having my period, and yes, seasons change. and im not used to be good with it. and i just realized, such things like this, only happen related to period season ^^
um. i basically dont know what happen. but i kinda feel that something is happening. and due to my lack of adaptation skill and bravery, i cant even say it clear and straight. um. of all the love and gifts i had, its not that im being ungrateful and not that im being grumpy. but i dont really like this. i mean, its terrifying. im scared. im not that well prepared for this kind of changing circumstances. it feels like very easy for me to drowned in, and never surface. as easy as i can say it right away before. im too silly. im too cold. im too vulnerable. im too fragile. im too childish. too clumsy. too sloppy. too scared. too stupid. too misfit... im too ready for a fall.
rasanya belakangan ini tk banyak melakukan kesalahan. itu di luar dari banyak hal yg belakangan ini tk pikir tk nggak bisa kerjain. hal-hal yg tk nggak tau sebelumnya, hal-hal yg tk nggak kepikiran sebelumnya, bahwa tk nggak bisa. hal-hal tidak berjalan sesuai rencana. dan meskipun dengan segenap hati tk berdoa dan percaya sama-sama kamu fu, tk bisa. nyatanya tk belum bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, bahwa hal-hal berjalan lebih baik dari rencana. meski dengan sangat sadar tk bisa bilang dengan mudahnya, hal-hal sudah berjalan dengan sangat baik. dan penuh kebetulan-kebetulan dari Tuhan yang ajaib dan menyenangkan.
menarik nafas. melirik kamu fu. ada rasa bersalah karena tidak bisa mendampingi dan navigasi. dan bahkan masih repot mengurus diri sendiri. perubahan demi perubahan. kamu bener fu, sekarang waktunya udah berjalan cepat, udah nggak boleh lagi serampangan atau resah sembarangan. udah bukan waktunya untuk labil terus ngilang sendirian. nggak ada waktu juga untuk tenggelam dan menelusuri kebingungan. yang menakutkan adalah kalau cuma bisa mendiamkan dan membiarkan. celahnya akan selalu terbuka untuk hinggap dan menjebak.
seasons change. do i grow any better? could i grow better? im still the person who need you to shut the hole. and now is the time you need me not to having the hole. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost. and im afraid to get it out. seasons change? i change? could i change? how if i change? should i change? seasons change and i dont know what to do. again i feel like becoming a trouble. i dont wanna be trouble. i can hide it, but i cant kill it, there im afraid im gonna lost again.
its kinda one good thing that this season change includes new year. as if things are already meant to change. just like my baby boy stepped into such toddler world. and thankfully by the end of last year we also entered one new world of selling things. well, lets just consider its done. i mean, the changes, sillyness, adaptation matter, hard works needed, are all meant to be, and this breakdown phase is must-through. i mean, people isnt meant to be a sudden expert, yes?
pegang pipinya. tinggal mudah-mudahan tk cepet adaptasinya ya Tuhan ya... untuk tk jadi mama yang lebih canggih, jadi istri yang lebih pinter, dan untuk ttp bisa jadi sebaik-baiknya tk.
we will together grow big, grow good, and happy. i will have my faith. i love them.
and amen*
