resurfacing

I almost skip a year not to post anything here, not to mention last time i do that was almost 2 years ago. Why now, the answer will be just kinda obvious. Human... when things happened :p knocking the head & hearts out. 

I dont want to talk about the world. That it almost certain, these past 2 years will be historical. All and all, the world globally is still in the covid era, so pretty much everything is still under construction, inside out. However locally, every now and then, covid seems quite away, alhamdulillah. And life already seems moved on, bring out several big adjustment i guess. Its the new normal they say; where things will never be the same anymore. This pandemic hits economically, socially, culturally. It kinda brings some kind of new pattern of living, new realization of self, new sense of perspective... 

After i shocked myself for how dark i can write (after a pretty long while :")) again, and after i decided to undo it, for good, i have something concluded. We don't have forever to tell, to acknowledge and to deliver. When, insyaallah, in my case it was some good graceful renewal that i would choose to count or dwell in over anything gloomy grey, I supposed not to wait or delay writing it again.

In the beginning of this pandemic, i kinda wish that we will survive this well, gaining some inside strength and knowledge, so that anytime we can come back stronger. Its now been around 2 years since 1st covid hits in China. Almost 2 years since dear son went to school. But just recently, we human really started to have high hopes for life resumed back normally, or new normal, because yea, there are many life-changing stuff happened in the world. From humans wearing masks, to the latest is the meta verse, and  still there are quite much in between... However I will just nod my stuffs. That it seems pretty weird if not bitter, but hopefully awesome, for it to happen just during this time. 

I gain my 5 prayer routines :) its far from perfect. Im still struggling with praying outside home, but i really really hope i can improve that. As for now, this stay-at-home mindset is really helpful for me to make up them all. Its kinda easier to set up schedules around the time of the prayer, not the other way around like life before covid. May i could always guard them well, for the rest of my life...

The notable part is the fajr prayer, which was kinda my final struggle, after the other 4. I gain it by fulfilling request from dear husband who wanted to start his prayer too. When fajr was my hardest, he said it seems like the most delightful time to start. So he asked me to wake him up everyday to do his fajr pray... and so, how could i not :") bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Other than that, im back into yoga. Its been around 3 months, now i exercise pretty much everyday, well 5-6 days a week i'd say. No certain schedules, because i intend it to be in my daily routine, for life. Ive set up my mind. I like how it gives a good sense to my body, and mind and soul too, no matter how slow and low my progress toward skills and poses. Merely in a time like this, I see how i totally do need it. It really helps me making a better sense of life... Life goes up and down and age keeps on the go. Thats why in the long run, id dedicate it for peoples i love too. Me being healthy and sane (and sexy maybe ^__^) may it bring goodness for them too. 

In the same route for my better physical condition, im now too giving more awareness towards my eating and metabolism. Yes im still in that level, raising awareness. And struggling too, due to my lifetime habbit for not being mindful at eating AND preparing a proper meal... so id really put this on my list, for a lifetime improvement.

Another related physical matter, also one of the reason why i would do everything above, for them all to be well sustained for life, is skincare matter. My lifetime hedgehog nose is now gone gone gone =D ive started doing facial treatment. Its quite a rob, but yes its impactful. And he said its just worth it. So lets just be happy about it. However i realize its not such a one night deal. May i can maintain that, inside out. Well like basically everything, i have a lot to work on ^^ i feel its a good thing tho.

Story in short is, i hope im on my way to be more sophisticated female person inside out, towards my duty as a wife, a mother, and abd of Allah SWT... The only one whom i found myself could and would lay myself on. The One who keep taking a good care of me, giving delighting signs and guides every now and then, whenever and however im being silly and weak and lost and flawful. The One who keep gifting me the greatest, to the point i think i couldnt or wouldnt articulate it... (because its so personally mindblowing) That all everything happened (for me), since the very first beginning, are (always) very meticulously well-crafted, and by far is trully for me. 

For making me happy. For my goals, and greater goal, even without leaving out my worldy needs i missed out. For making this flawful me great, even in the way id like it to be... because He loves me, knows and understands me exactly, as no one ever be. That in my tough times it keeps tickling me hard, for how clueless i can be. And to Him is the only one i could always turning back, safely and peacefully... Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin.

This moment is kinda like my second chapter of life, in the theme of loving by the name of Allah SWT. I stumbled on this one phrase In one of the book package i got last month (which come in such incredible timing, again, since the very first time i found it, or it found me). Its about He is being Al Mughni, The Enricher, who can enrich us to the point that we can wholeheartedly love people, but ultimately our dependency is on Him. That phrase really got me personally. That someway somehow (finally) i can too wholeheartedly fell down down down, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing left. Its like... even He lets me doing what i like, and still being available for me in the most beautiful and senseful way :" i dont mean to preach. Its just, how can i not. Laa ilaaha illallahu Allahu akbar...

I cry and tell and ask Him a lot lately O__O and what i ask is nothing less than the best, here and after. That if i go furthermore on my words here, due to my nature, i worry id become weak again. So really, basically bless is all that. For myself, for peoples i love and love me, for others, for myself toward others... i want to do right, and good, and nice, and really, nothing but the best for the others. Just because ~~~ i cant explain.

What i have to tell here is how thankful and grateful i am, of all everything happened recently. Maybe its an awkward gesture, but really, its kinda like a necessary revelation... however its so, tough ~~~ May i always able to keep on  peacefully striving, progressing, fulfilling, for good, as best. May we always able to find our true ground and work it, for good, as best. All by the name of Allah SWT. Amen.

part closure

Year 2020 started so messy. Heavy flood right on the day 1. And hashtag worldwar3 trending even before week 1. An iranian shia politician dead. One super power president, as his usual, made a happy statement over a tragedy. Then there were people swearing and a nuclear deal. Still we're not yet on point. Too many niches. While locally, people seems forget how to complain about things, and keep on offensing on personal matter. Too many hatred. Too many intrigues. Too many layers. Meanwhile, im just whining.

I dont mean to start negatively, but duuuudeeee..... #worldwar3 on day 3 ?!? Zzzzzz who needs fiction nowadays. 

(Just kissed my baby good night) ...of all conspiracy theory ive read, of all quran tafsir ive heard, of all vision ive had, of all dreams ive planned... i cant even tell what tomorrow, like literally tomorrow, will bring. And while im feeling so little here, im making a plan, for like almost a decade later. Investing this, renovating that. Education this, vacation that. Still i shower myself with all those information slash knowledge though. All that, maybe im just trying to keep myself busy. Questions are actually simple. Will we actually make it until next decade? As a person. As a nation. As citizen of the world. As a creation of The Almighty. I wonder if theres any point in what i do. But i did. That way, may it happened for good.

We human never not juggling between things, do we? Its a privilege, having a pause to notice how busy we are. Alhamdulillah.

My dear little man, in every layer of every era, in every path of every choice, in every moment of now and then, in every journey of every you, may you always find and walk your truest way back home to Allah SWT. This one not easy to even describe, really ...Al Fatihah. There you actually have it all, what im trying to tell.

Just later on, may you have the chance to have your journey through the whole quran... Sigh. This flawful me feels like crying reading my own pray. I dont know how, but really, may i too have the chance to have my journey throught the whole quran... Sometimes, it really is not easy even just to ask and pray. So many thing left unspoken ...May Allah SWT bless you always baby son, here, there, and ever after. For all those things that really matter, never give up. Amen.

otw double digit (part.2)

Hello my not so little bundle of joy, who is now does have a lot to say, i mean really say, like an opinion, or assumption, or conclusion.  Finally we're really working on your very own bedroom, aren't we? Phase 1 done last weekend by putting the door in your very own wardrobe. I spent weeks drawing and planning. Its a hobby, making lists. But recently i found out, its also a distraction. (Well duh, of course, that what a hobby is for).

Its a bit annoying sometimes, having you roaming at night in my bed. But its already been a solid 10 years for me. You're my little bundle of warmth, how could i not have you for more? I feel kinda jaded, imagining you sleeping unseen in another room. I found myself a bit anxious, getting annoyed once again. It really is a good thing having a hobby, really.

Go on kid, grow up, while im still tuned in. I hope i will always do. I cant say that im lost for words, because i already splurge a lot, just like you said, when i have something to say, its simply got to be long. That includes when i got to say, sometimes soon, i'll have it fixed. No more long talk (unless you ask). I would do it for good, you had enough. I hope too, i've said enough. Insyaallah.

Looking at you sleeping on a bed next to mine, i feel like running out of time. It almost feels like one of my privilege will be taken away. But go on kid, bring it, you definitely got this. I got this. May the rest will catch up for good. Insyaallah. Go on kid, grow up.

otw double digit (part.1)

Hello my little bundle of joy. You gets a lot heavier this year. A lot bigger. Taller. Bulkier. Sometimes to the point where your act looks way too cute for your looks, that it might turns sour. Even for yourself. Its that hard to be cool eh :)

Your palm are thickening. And so are your feet. I dont know if you know. I dont know if you know that i know. But they are now rougher than mine. I never mention, but it kinda like how reality knocks in my head. Inside my hug. My little bundle of joy not so little anymore.

It happens and i missed you already. I will always be your heartless spoiler mom giving overrated notes and codes. And you will grow. Through and through. That in my slight moment of pray i would wish, may all these time i bring you goodness, in anyway i could be.

I want you to be tough and strong. Yet i want you to stay tender and gentle. (But how do you get it without knowing how ugly real suffer is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be smart and sharp. Yet  i want you to stay pure and naive. (How do you get it without knowing how urgent life crisis is, i dont wanna think)

I want you to be bright and passionate. Yet i want you to stay cheap and humble. (Tell me just, just how do you get it without knowing how savage a true love is, tell me not.)

I want you to simply shine. Yet i want you to always stay modest. (And it seems there is no way you get it without knowing how cliche the ultimate truth actually is, or yes way?)

Meanwhile, we're not really born for cliches, i know. I had a hard time processing all these... and so just like this writings, ive been thinking about these for months. This milestone is not just yours. Ive grown into a proud mother of a baby son this far, alhamdulillah. Now I got to have some other ultimate pray, youre about to become a man. Bismillahirrahmaanirahiim.

If I Really Do Have to Say Something

My father has passed away. Somebody i called papa and somebody my son called kakek. It's already been around 3 months now. Nothing really seems change. Everything still goes like usual and i seems like a heartless daughter losing her father. But not me, this is about him, whose without i wouldn't be me today, totally. I wouldn't say its delighting. There were times watching someone else's loving father (and husband) gets me envy and teary sometimes. But i never really wanted some other guy to substitute my father though. He and his trait, they enrich me. Just as i actually used to hope that i matter the same, enrich him.

He was someone who think. He was someone who love deeply. He was someone who value his pride. Nothing brings him down. No matter how people would look down to him. Someway somehow, he was someone i'd most likely into. He was someone i'd naturally had my eye on. For observing the way he think, the way he do, the way he evolve. The way he gets things done. No matter how he always been in an awkward mess. But there it goes away, my chance.

On that neatly wellcrafted day, i heard the news. I don't cry or burst a tear. Me just processing my time as his sweet gutsy daughter, as my mom's heartless companion, as my brother's slack guardian, as my fatherless sister's big sister. As a sharp niece of raged uncles and aunties, as a pokerface grandchild of hurted parents. Never as a girl's next door material, whom i always aim to, I bet he aim me to.

Me processing too my time as his marrying grownup daughter. Compromising my unintentionally cold dry relationship with him into something more like an awkward templates, of a wife, of a mom. Bringing in her husband and child to the roots of her life. No hate nor revenge, but it's not easy, for both of us, like always. I let him being shallow, he let me being awkward. I let him being uncool, he let me being cold. We both know its not easy, yet stubborn enough to keep pushing. That's while we had the time. I was pretty grateful for those particular times.

On that particularly wellcrafted time, i was on my own, in the middle of a crowd, that not allowing me to get burst. I was also in a pretty rare moment for not being accesible to my dearest life partner. And so the rest of anyone linked me to him. All of us were in a rare particular moment where we're not accessible one to another, but only on text message. So there it is. All of us had all the strong excuses to getaway safely. Thats one thing. But i have another one. All of us then too, had all the rights and freedom to process and respond in our most honest personal way. None of us coming to the funeral that day. But i believe, also on that day we put more of ourselves within him in our pray, sincerely and wholeheartedly, insyaallah.

I have a feeling, that it is what it is. Allah's scenario are just for what's best. Here and there, inside and out. If there's anything like a good closure, may he could have it. If there's anyway for all of us to reconcile, with him and ourselves, with all of our past, heart and soul, may we all could take it. If there's any chance to do better on our own capacity regarding this matter, may we all could embrace it. For what is love if it wasn't bring anything good. May he be in a good place with Allah SWT already.

RABBIGHFIRLII WALI WAALIDAYYA WARHAM HUMMA KAMAA RABBAYAANII SHAGHIIRAA

Al Fatihah