savages

maybe this will be a sad post. maybe.

about last year. one year before now... okay, lets loose a bit, make it two, maximum. i was feeling very gracefully good, that everything seems so gracefully good for a living. Here, i meant, as a world citizen, as a moslem, as a mother, as a wife, even as part of this nation. disregarding the corruption, unreliable goverment, mind-blowing conspiracy theory, and foolish tv shows, i do feel like i have faith here, within the society, our peoples. after years of willing, learning, and waiting, i feel like i have every reason to wear hijab. it grows in me. then i do. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

not being all holy and glory, i also do the count in my journey into hijabi. my peak time of a woman/mother/wife, my dearest circles, my providing accounts, even my surrounding situations which i dont want it to be too 'pretentious' at anything at all. i remember myself saying gracefully about how nowadays ambience was generally so good for the growth of good peoples, including for moslem woman wearing hijab. social acceptance, neutral perspective, indifferent profiles, those shallow things works for good. my countings came to an end. really, Allah SWT make it easy for me. alhamdulillah.

turned out, it was really such a slight time of a moment. looking at nowadays today, i feel so blessed to had that moment back then. now all the fundamental things of living all have resurfaced awfully. news and opinions about religion, gender, race, nation, humanism, crime, politics, fantasy, conspiracy, alls gone savages. then thanks to social media, its blown up like crazy. now its kinda harder to love religious peoples, even for no matter what the religion. then its also kinda awkward to count on a certain hometown, or to simply look up for some great stranger, or just to be wholly excited at some good breaking news. everything seems pretentious, it makes us (or at least me) tend to be more cautious. yes im a skeptical person for most of the times, but lately, even its being a bore. i'd rather do the opposite way, trying to find bits of a pure good truth, some hope.

i'm so relieved that i took that chance in that slight of time turned me into one newbie hijabi. not that i convinced that i am now already that much of a better person by taking the momentum. its just that, i see somehow theres a high chance it did keep me away from getting derailed even further. insyaallah. or for least lets say, if i did not, i wouldnt know if i will have the courage to start this year or when is that. things are too much of blurry right now. 

it might be the world. it might be just me. but i do wish i could have again silly sarcastic politic jokes with my christian friends. i wish i could mesmerized over some adorable thin eyes and sassy attitudes of those chinese toddlers. i wish i could discuss (any) religion topics deeply and openly with my fellow friends. all without certain judgements or pretention or silly awkwardness for being cautious, just in case if i could end up hurting or being insensitive. yes, okay, it might be just me, thinking too much.

no matter how short, this world is just too pretty to be too cautious. peoples are too lovely to be misjudged, and life is too short to be too whiny. it gets me mad watching those savage arguments over every (big little) things. it gets me even more upset when i met my peoples join the crazy crowd. the time of silence is golden might literally come by now. that kind of silent, its sad ...but God said, dont be sad. i had my benefit of being a millenial though, i am ultra-positive. inhale exhale, okay!

im afraid of zombie for fun. i prepare emergency kit. im not into nature nor animals. but of course this world is beautiful. i appreciate life. i love peoples. i believe in all kindhearted people of all races, disregarding their annoying local habbits. i like western foods. i want to be a better person. i believe most people wants it too. im working and praying on my afterlife. i bless nasa peoples and all peoples in bigger seats. i just found out about the ice wall. its a lot that i dont know. big chance, i dont know everything, at all. but i love my family. i do hope we're together until jannah. i am on my way to understand better about loving because of Allah SWT. may we always have all the guidance, love, and protection needed. i look up ~~~ i look around. 

subhanallah walhamdulillahi walaa illaa ha illallahu allahu akbar.

 peluk ~~~

twilight zone

this post might actually be written about last year, i just found it in my random notebook. guess its when i dont manage to open any laptop. it was made even before my last 2 posts. so here it is, unlike usual, this post is about me. or at least, about whats in my mind pretty recently :)

Hey, when is the right age for kids to learn about the world crisis? to let them know the scarry things beyond monsters and ghost and maybe even zombie. that there are crisisES happen, just right about now, in the other side of the world.

i spy on tv channels, let go adult channels, i go through kids programs, let go adult content and bad words, i scan subliminal messages, let go anything illuminati, bring out new world order, let go lucifer alone, mind the brainwashing. then i read again about zombie invasion, the possibility and horror that seems really haunting. im not kidding you, i did research, i want to have preparation. i feel stupid, but i did build an emergency kit.

then after all those thrilling fun, news breaking about Allepo. the war of the world, like well, nothing new actually. but suddenly i got the approval for my emergency kit. forget about zombie. with all the mess in the world (and in this country lately) even we dont actually need zombie to have a preparation.

i started to read about countries. im trying to swallow politics. i had fun learning history. still, there are sorta stupid feeling to care. because still, nothing are really new and they are all grey. humans do great. maybe silly, but great. i cant lie, i still do have faith, in each and every group/race/team/whatsoever. i just wish that i have the right to hope, that more than anything, Allah SWT be still with us all.

then i found out about MBTI. am an INTP :) its so fun, i cant stop. the information and accuracy kinda beat the astrology hahahhah. but then its getting awkward, there is slight of me dissapointed. its like, every me and you, and now and then, all been sooo predictable. i feel like seeing all the pattern, the fun of MBTI krisskrossing the mess of the world. then just like my mbti has predicted about my type, i do want to bend it.

after all the readings and research, plus my approval and satisfactions, i kinda go to the opposite. there's bit of me want to proof its not all correct, or at least that there are another bended version of the theory or description. i would start with my INTP result. jack of all trades, master of none, rule bender, perfectionist planner, and a lazy ass. i said i was working it, bend the description, and..... actually now i kinda already forgot it. like..... who caress??

its annoying, but i dont feel fail though. now is already few months after this writings. there are some adjustments and changes of course, hopefully good ones. im not buying the issues all that much no more. i do wander and watch and see how it goes, but... i dont know, kinda feel detached already. it still feels scarry in times, but i kinda see thats not really on point. i have better and more important things to focus on. i hope its one good and right revelation.

im going anticlimax for all that horrors. the thrill is there, but... okey, next. is it age? or life path? im not really talking about these insights to anyone, its too overrated, no? i dont know if this an end or start of an era ...but anyway, here i feel like one lucky girl in this phase, you cant imagine how. and if it really is luck, i just wish it would passed on my kids and families :) may Allah SWT be still with us all.

7 years and 7 months later

its true when they say reality will come and get you at year 7. the time when i lost count and missed the date to write milestones and everythings. the time when the stories are on its peak, that its actually really really literally (i said it over and over again like no other excuse i can tell) frustrating to start. new skills. school academics. social insight. peers. insight about ups and downs. money stuff. academic report. hobbies. preferance of activities. idolizing patterns. music hits. personal approach toward things. survival mechanism. flaws and weakness. etc etc.

i lost for words.

im not always easy. i become cold and distant in times. i can be quite heartless. you might know i dont mean to be rude, but i do show no mercy. im not much of sweet words. i do criticize. im not always logical. im a bit of heartwrecker. i do worry. yet im not much of technical. i could get you all drained and damp. i dont demand. but i could be the weight on your shoulder. yet i might not cooperate. i dont explain well. but still a lot that i want to say. i dont easily choose to be easy. i used to leave it for you to choose. and i dont make it easy.

they're kinda coming your way, aren't they?

i know how you like compliments and appreciations. i know how you always want to make me proud. i know you desperately wanting to nail everything i hand you to. i know how youre getting happy when i looked happy. i know how its frustrated you when you think youre frustrating me. i know when youre getting tired of my emotional me. i know too how you feel relieved when that emotional me gone. i know you just want to hug me and be a baby peacefully, and in the same time i know. you also want to gain powers and everything to take care of me and make sure everything will be safe and sound. i could figure all that. like somehow i just wish that you undoubtly know all these, like always.

because that, i might be lack of anyway. 

baby, you will always be my favorite person. you are. your strength are the coolest, your flaws are the cutest. you could be so annoying and clingy. sometimes youre so stubborn and bossy. but your mind does stands out, and peoples do notice your heart. your peoples, you bring them together. you make them shines, and you're never be outshined. never actually once, you bring me down. so far your flaws of all flaws existed, are my favorite ones that i could actually tolerate. as your eyes stubbornly sparkling, and your smile unconsciously surfacing, i hope that you will always remember. you have it all in you, goodness. just never give up trying, and believing.

that you are never alone, and never will. 

you are 7, and i feel like i cant tell reality any lighter :) dear shaka trah semesta, my little blink of the universe, you are nothing less than an ultimate bless to me. and no matter how little we always are, we have nothing less than the ultimate love and protection. it's not always about reality, not to mention which one. go rooting, some wandering, know your creator, get yourself together, be a whole, do good, find truth. Don't bother with happiness, they're always just around the corner :) you are blessed, we are.

it's always about faith, there goes reality, like i love you.

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Al Fatihah

cicilan akhir tahun (yang tertunda)

since lil man born 7 years ago, life seems always reset every december :) the only month in a year that never i forget to do some reflection, or make some list of milestones for least. so here i am again, trying to update a very long while along this year.
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then it just stopped right there, 2 months ago -__- but not in my head. just now its already too much to update, and i only have one hour to resume. so lets just drill down the schedule. first thing first.
seperti al fatihah setelah sholat. when you dont know where to start.
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Jadwal Shaka, 7 tahun

SENIN
06.00 gedabrukan pagi, terutama senin pertama setiap bulannya, karena ada upacara.
07.30 berangkat sekolah, atau setengah jam sebelumnya kalau pas upacara. dan nggak gedabrukan.
15.00 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung meluncur BXC, snack time before all
15.30 hang out di rockstar, atau belajar persiapan kalau ada assesment di rotiO atau spot sepi
16.50 siap masuk kelas futsal academy w/ coach rizal
18.30 bubar, langsung pulang dan makan, di bxc kalo di rumah tampak rempong 
19.45 sudah di rumah, selesai makan, santai di sofa
20.00 mandi net not, cuddling sebentar, bobo

SELASA
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.20 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung meluncur BXC, snack di jalan
16.00 berenang level 1 w/ coach victor
17.00 bubar dan laper, mari jajan (atau dinner kalo ga masak) ..lalu pulang
17.30 sampai rumah, main random kalo masih terang atau santai di sofa
19.00 selesai santai atau makan malem, naik ke atas, mandi
19.30 belajar santai
20.30 cuddling, bobo

RABU
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.45 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung pulang
16.30 main keluar rumah
17.00 main selesai, roaming aja randoman
18.00 makan malem, mandi
19.00 belajar nggak santai (supposedly)
21.00 (or about 1 hour more kalo lagi jadwal assesment on fire) bobo, sekitar 2 menit setelah buku ditutup

KAMIS
06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
15.00 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, langsung pulang
15.30 snack time apa aja yang ada di rumah
16.30 main keluar rumah
17.00 main selesai, roaming aja randoman
18.00 makan malem, mandi
19.00 belajar nggak santai (supposedly)
21.00 (or about 1 hour more kalo lagi jadwal assesment on fire) bobo, sekitar 2 menit setelah buku ditutup

JUMAT 

06.30 persiapan berangkat sekolah
07.30 berangkat sekolah
12.20 waktu rata-rata jemput pulang sekolah, seringnya langsung BXC
13.00 makan siang, atau snack berat
14.00 kelas basket w/ coach matther
15.00 snack berat tahap 2, atau roaming aja sesuai keperluan
16.00 berenang level 1 w/ coach victor
17.00 taekwondo belt kuning w/ coach edy
18.00 snack berat tahap 3, atau makan malam sekalian, seringnya di BXC, mamapun tak sanggup lanjut on di rumah
19.30 sampai rumah, roaming santai-santai
20.30 mandi, langsung bobo... atau mundur semua sekitar 1 jam

SABTU
zzzzzZ
Roaming
15.00 kelas futsal w/ coach El
16.00 tennis academy w/ coach Fadli
Roaming 
ZZZzzzzzZ

MINGGU
Roaming seharian sampai sore
18.00 makan malam, mandi
19.00 school night routines, most likely

lost and found

basically it's about some thought i had around 3 years ago, that started resurfacing in me at my last hair treatment around last quarter of last year. since then i can't actually stop thinking about it. then things seems like setting up in place within these first quarter of the year. and almost this whole last month it's like, i found myself luring all about it. 

it feels kinda exciting. but most of it are like, just natural. nothing feels really new, nothing is really fancy. things here and there just like line up and lead my way. some of it are wishlist unpredictably coming true, and some of it contains some lifetime data lost. haha. but all seems like happened in a right time, because still, i feel  like one happy well-pampered girl :)

so... i'm in expectation, i guess. of myself. of something good. bismillah...