If I Really Do Have to Say Something

My father has passed away. Somebody i called papa and somebody my son called kakek. It's already been around 3 months now. Nothing really seems change. Everything still goes like usual and i seems like a heartless daughter losing her father. But not me, this is about him, whose without i wouldn't be me today, totally. I wouldn't say its delighting. There were times watching someone else's loving father (and husband) gets me envy and teary sometimes. But i never really wanted some other guy to substitute my father though. He and his trait, they enrich me. Just as i actually used to hope that i matter the same, enrich him.

He was someone who think. He was someone who love deeply. He was someone who value his pride. Nothing brings him down. No matter how people would look down to him. Someway somehow, he was someone i'd most likely into. He was someone i'd naturally had my eye on. For observing the way he think, the way he do, the way he evolve. The way he gets things done. No matter how he always been in an awkward mess. But there it goes away, my chance.

On that neatly wellcrafted day, i heard the news. I don't cry or burst a tear. Me just processing my time as his sweet gutsy daughter, as my mom's heartless companion, as my brother's slack guardian, as my fatherless sister's big sister. As a sharp niece of raged uncles and aunties, as a pokerface grandchild of hurted parents. Never as a girl's next door material, whom i always aim to, I bet he aim me to.

Me processing too my time as his marrying grownup daughter. Compromising my unintentionally cold dry relationship with him into something more like an awkward templates, of a wife, of a mom. Bringing in her husband and child to the roots of her life. No hate nor revenge, but it's not easy, for both of us, like always. I let him being shallow, he let me being awkward. I let him being uncool, he let me being cold. We both know its not easy, yet stubborn enough to keep pushing. That's while we had the time. I was pretty grateful for those particular times.

On that particularly wellcrafted time, i was on my own, in the middle of a crowd, that not allowing me to get burst. I was also in a pretty rare moment for not being accesible to my dearest life partner. And so the rest of anyone linked me to him. All of us were in a rare particular moment where we're not accessible one to another, but only on text message. So there it is. All of us had all the strong excuses to getaway safely. Thats one thing. But i have another one. All of us then too, had all the rights and freedom to process and respond in our most honest personal way. None of us coming to the funeral that day. But i believe, also on that day we put more of ourselves within him in our pray, sincerely and wholeheartedly, insyaallah.

I have a feeling, that it is what it is. Allah's scenario are just for what's best. Here and there, inside and out. If there's anything like a good closure, may he could have it. If there's anyway for all of us to reconcile, with him and ourselves, with all of our past, heart and soul, may we all could take it. If there's any chance to do better on our own capacity regarding this matter, may we all could embrace it. For what is love if it wasn't bring anything good. May he be in a good place with Allah SWT already.

RABBIGHFIRLII WALI WAALIDAYYA WARHAM HUMMA KAMAA RABBAYAANII SHAGHIIRAA

Al Fatihah

The Wish

I was so close for being naughty today. So close. That close. Until it was only in seconds i switched back to things i supposed to do. Things i scheduled to do. Things i was not feeling i was actually into. Not that its so important too, but yes they're things i supposed to do. Alhamdulillah that or this all just come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I almost skip class mommies meeting today, as i already confirm to come to them, and my dearest two. Just like skipping class back then in my school year, once in a particular while, when i just want to be gone. That easy. So easy. But anyway, now im on my way there. I'll be late and still trying to be my content self.

Actually i could just go to the nearest mall and do useful stuff though. I planned to deposit some cash, to have my haircut (that already postponed for months), to find a laser pointer for the boy, to go to pharmacy getting another testpack, and grab my favorite local coffee while waiting school pickup time. That easy. So easy. I might regret my decision and i'm not really into these mommies anyway. But im already on my way anyway. My wiser autopilot way, hopefully.

I was crying this late morning. Crying for something like i havent done it for pretty long. I was sad. Upset. Afraid. Worry. Pity. Wishfulthinking. Well, maybe i still am. I feel my face is like swollen and its still kinda warm around my eyes. But i think i still am feeling positive. Its not like im in a deep shit or something, totally not. Alhamdulillah that or this all still come easy. Alhamdulillah.

I was just. Like. Making a wish. That i really want it to come true. I cant tell how bad. But maybe at least its bad enough to make me wanting to be gone. Turns out im not really used to make a wish. I pray for bless, peace, strength, love, and wisdom for each and everytime. But yeah, finally a particular wish do come. May it be for good. May it be for best. For each and everyone. Allahu akbar.

random buzz

I can be bubbly. But basically im not a bubbly person. Its too bad actually, because i love bubbly person. Im not being sarcastic ~as i unintentionally oftenly do~ but i admire them, i really do. I think bubbly person is nice, and positive, and good for the world, and even with a little knowledge they might possibly good for after world too. I think im always on my way trying to be bubblier.

My favorite movie is Good Will Hunting, maybe. But i always forget why, even sometimes i forget the plot. So i abort that. But then everytime i watch it again i understand how and why i made it my favorite, and also a slight of why i keep forgetting it. How do i heart it? It keeps punching me in the head and heart. Why do i forget? Because for me that same reasons/messages are even stronger than the plot and movie itself. The movie keeps heartlessly making me cry and frozen. Zzzzz.

Then why i keep (purposedly) forgetting ~then also aborting~ it as a my favorite? Because... its too much reminding me of me, all of the characters in the movie ~inside or outside~ whole in one~ i can relate in so many level. And they're all really are not my favorite. I'm okay with them, they're just not my favorite character. Just like myself. And i'm not being bitter right now, i think im not. Well i just finished watching it few minutes ago, and i feel like i owe this explanation. Because i keep going back and forth about this. And because, i think i will forget this matter again. This movie is academy award class, i think it deserves better than just being intentionally forgotten~~ so; aaaawesooome! There it goes. Bye.

Nationalist

We must admit that we human, has tendency to see what we want to see. To hear what we want to hear. Then to believe and have faith for it. By that point, it seems like able to remark our strong characters and such things. This tendency may go even stronger when we love something/someone, or at least when we're into it.

When you're a nationalist, you love your country. It seems like, you're after positivities. You find excuses. You appreciate sugarcoat. You make ways to improve. Just then if you're smart enough, you stand for the better, and work it for good. You being true. That's my thought of a nationalist, and well, i dont think i have that much of qualification indeed. I may be not. The things are, i dont want to be only after positivities, i dont want any excuses, more over sugarcoated news.

If i ever wanted those dazzling glittery stuff, let it be about my family, or kids. Even then i won't even stop right there. Insyaallah, I will continue working it to make ways, and so on as i told before. So, if being a nationalist means i should be kinda proud blindly, or be smug over one side news, or be collectively perky about such unclear achievements, im ok not being a nationalist. And this nation, i think, pretty much needs more than that anyway. May we just could ever make ways to improve, stand for the better, and work it for good, faithfully.

There're not much of my sweet words and else related to this country. But a bunch of peoples of creativity and vibrant passions and survival skills to be really happily alive without any terms and conditions. I (sigh) pretty much care for this nation. Sometimes too much that it dissapoints me, everytime i questioned and researched, over and over again. But well, i keep on going, just always on my way. That in my adult self, turns out i feel like i still have hope too. That i could still have this country survived as a home sweet home. For me, AND my family.

In this no-boundaries era, i think that's strong. Because again, maybe it's only for my family that i would digest flaws, excuses, and sugarcoat positively. And if i would ever swallow without even digest, let it be only for Allah SWT's Islam, insyaallah. Nothing but the best, my dears. So if i could ever wish this country to stay being my family's home, written in our passport~~ well, that got to be strong, and got to be for good. For me, it's already means more than just being a nationalist. May we able to work it out.

Am i getting old?

Nowadays, i see many peoples are not only smart and bright. But also wise. And thoughtful. And cultured. And inspiring too. Even the introverts, they're everywhere, out and about. I think we really are in the peak of "everybody matters" era.

Despite all the chaos and hatred and any bizarre things, it seems kinda cool eh. But ummm... i dont know. I dont mean to be negative but i feel like kinda lost my appetite just like that. I just hope it doesnt bring me any less or worse =) i wish i have anything pretty wise too to tell, but no. Im seeing all them as bizarre. Im just not impressed x]

The world is so colorful and humans are so uniques and systems are so ...crazy. just like that. I tend to over-simplifying like that, instead of bring up the good words that may enlight the humanity...........noooo im not being sarcastic. Or maybe i do. I dont know. But well, peoples are cool lately. Whatever, thats the point. I am in the peak of cool people era.

That it kinda sucks me in and maybe... i got kinda overwhelmed. (White flag). I do random wise bizarre words since primary, but now its like i dont want to do it anymore. I dont know maybe i feel like losing my privilege or something. Coolness seems cheap today. Contents are for sale. And... i dont know... it seems like no more unique for being unique today... whatever happened everything are unique every now and then though.

And so i feel im kinda going back to old values. Religion, modesty, hard work, perseverance, honesty, sincere, afterlife.... anything unfancy. Not that i nailed it though. Im pretty much lucy-generation remember... the old millenial. I grow up knowing that i am special and any other sparkly fun facts i still cant resist. But yes... i feel like i kinda do a step back.

Is it from my character. Is it from my latest thought. Is it from my age. Is it what happened to old peoples when they stop being fun (and oh at least please maybe could start being wise). Is it what happened to old boring people when they start becomes skeptical (and oh at least please dont start looking down to younger others). Is it what happened to old boring unwise people when they choose to be righteous and so stiff (and somewhat stubborn). Am i getting old like that?

I see many peoples too, say that (in their wiser self) they start narrowing their circle of peoples. That they would rather stick with the long-known-tested circle. No longer eager to expand and start new ones. Well that im not into. Somehow in that case i think i go backward. My younger self choose small circles. As i grow, i aim bigger and bigger circles.... i think to the point i cant even tell i want any certain circles. It seems like, peoples would already do. Up to this point, I thanked Allah SWT for my beloved family, really.

So honestly, in the same time im also not so much into travel all around the world or whatsoever trending now. But some cheesy branded hand bags, i cant lie. Destinations do not mesmerize me, but any street views would do. Wise people arent impressed me much. but common civils do. Regarding to that... is there any hope that its not me getting old and boring and unwise.

Cough. Well, old and boring... its hard not to get there eh. But really... despite of im being uninspired by wise words or wise peoples lately... i hope im not going unwise. As i know Allah SWT, and as a lucy generation, and as always me myself,  i actually have faith in a good life. Being unwise and shutted down, are not any of it. So, please~~ dear me, be wise.