Core Glimmers

This started on a day, when it started unlike usual, but actually felt like coming back to usual; my favourite personal usual and my usual as a wife and mother, that will always coexist together :) these are memories i keep coming back to, either on a good day, or on such a rainy day. These are the memories that keep me grounded on my feet and hold up to my faith. These are the big ordinary moments that bring me unspeakable joy, grace, and some contentment that somehow life-changing for me. Best core memories on the go.

MAY2023

I'll start with this moment that brought me back here to this list and my journaling day :) Its around yesterday we had a chat in the morning. Pretty intense, but pretty calm and reserved. First time feeling vulnerable again after a while, being sadly honest openly. Then i had yoga, and fell asleep after savasana, right on my mat. Woke up at zuhr and had my house routines. Shaka felt unwell that day, papa picked him up himself after a while, and spend the rest of the day at home together, also after a while. We spent the evening together in shaka's room. He fell asleep at 8. I still have my routines until 9, then bathe and finished mine at 10. Shaka still felt restless, and everybody was awake at 4am. We went out and had our best 24h dimsum ever. I felt so collected as myself and as a wife/mother, that was after a while too. Anyway, this feels kinda similar with the holiday week 20 years ago, that i also put it in this list. 

OCT 2022

It's that one time in our first Singapore holiday trip after the stormy pandemic. He hold my hand, let loose, and then hold it again tighter. We crossed the road, felt like its about to loosen up again. It is, but for a while only.He holds mine back, again. I was trying hard not to tear up. But i did, quietly at night before i sleep, in his arms, in front of the big window facing the erp lanes. That very rare moment when i want to do the unnecessary illogical time freeze.

EARLY 2022

One day in my breakdown time, i was so desperately helpless and cheap, didnt have anything other than the physical (ultimate) textbook guidance. Then I opened the translation quran, my newly fresh condition quran, just random page, one page i think i could bear to read. I just throw myself in, for whatever chances, clues, and guidance i could have. Then some words seem familiar. Soon i realized that page contains that one ayah, Ayatul kursi, the peak of quran... I felt like being ultimately pampered. He is always around, taking care of me, always. This is not the first time, really. There's no such coincidence, never. Hasbunallah wanikmal wakiil.

DEC 2009

Out of all testimonials i've heard about getting pregnant and giving birth, i dont know this will be my initial feeling. This was my first time feeling proud of myself, really really proud, im not exaggerating. It was right after i gave birth to my son, when i had my baby in my arms for the first time. I wasnt kidding anyone when i say, he is [my] number one in the world :D i didnt even overthink about the 1OO meaning of being number one, at anything. He just as good as he is, and he had all my bless. Allahu akbar.

AUG 2008

I spent so many years looking at so many skies, secretly mumbling chatting venting to God. Then i have one night in masjidil haram, not far from the kabah, after I got married. I made my prayer, pretty much alone. That moment its like, i sense and absorb everything; me myself, the circumstances, the ambiance, the environment; everything around me. I looked at the black sky, not like any other skyperience before, i felt like being witnessed, soo closely by Allah SWT. Nothing so grand happened actually, except the moment itself, like in a heartful muted short video overflowed by deary meaning. This, now, maybe i am exaggerating. I was young and silly and super unknowledgeable by that time, am still now. But in my whole 7-day trip, that moment is the one i personally missed the most. The one that brings meaning and keeps connecting me to there. I feel solid grateful to even just that.

MID 2004

That one time we were watching movies in my mom's home. I lay on the sofa. You sit on the floor in front of me. Then you kissed me on the lips. Several times. Light and calm. But deep and vibrant. No words and no movement and any other gestures, but maybe some inside ourselves. Im not proud of this kinda scenes. But maybe, just maybe, what's specifically beautiful about this moment is because then, we hold back.

APR 2004

It was my first time being vulnerable and how can i not cry it out to you. The guarding wall around me is falling, I felt it. It's like turns out there is a weight on my shoulder, and it is significantly lifted. It never happened before. I anxiously told you not to be too nice/too kind/too loving because i will not be ready/cant help myself when/if you'll leave too. As i used to see everyone will eventually leave. Never i felt so exposed before, no more wall, all guards are down... alhamdulillah it was you, that even after all episodes of us i'd say, it really still is. Laa haula walaa quwata illa billah.

LATE 2003

I spent that holiday week alone in Semarang. That was in the kinda short time in my life when i was single inside out and had no strings attached, to anything and anyone, living my life the fullest, just the way i like it, maybe for the first time. And that was just a calm, slow, boring ordinary peaceful week by the way :D I guess I've been longing for that kind of life since forever.

By the way, there's one thing i just realized about this list. Generally, they are not happening in my happiest joyful years, which yes i have one, haha. Even they are on this list are probably not such fully happy memories, but a beautiful mix of so many things. Hence i'm not hesitant to title them as my best core memories. And best core memories are supposed to be like the closest thing to happiness, aren't they? if they really are, i don't mind :] my point is, regardless that technically happiness is contained of joy, grace, and contentment, truthfully its big on purpose and meaning. And those last two, is what i myself won't let go. 

to be strong

Strong is an easy word. it's a no-brainer for anyone to strive to. but here is a confession.  

my whole life until now, I never really want to be strong. I may say it several times to encourage people case by case, whereas I know it's meant to be good and necessary. that they can use the best of it, and I did it sincerely too. but me knowing myself, as far as I remember, I always find a way to encourage and push and survive myself, without really telling myself to be strong. I keep it secretly just for myself, for not wanting to be strong, as I know it's somewhat not right… because most of the time I just, can't. 

being strong gives me creeps, or at least cringes. that’s how I'm more into “hold on!” or “we got this!” or even an awkward “let's survive this!” …than a common “stay strong”. I don’t mind being acknowledged as strong though, as people usually mean it positively. I’ll let them be, but not me.

Knowing several strong figures and their tales, no matter how great they do, keeps drawing me away. shortly, it seems like an easy choice, I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to be strong, sometimes to the point I don’t mind being not great. me being stubborn, I kinda invent this theory. all I need is a good set of strengths, but I may not need to be strong. that way, I will survive. case closed, problem solved. Thank you, next.

It’s quite a thought, but of course, it's naturally not something I’m proud of. therefore I never really mention it. Years go by, wisdom (try to) knocks, I try to be more and more casual about it, but no I still can't spell it right (for myself), to be strong… Until pandemic hits, given all kinds of chaos and crazy forecast of this wacky world. I think I kinda slipped out and make this kinda wish for later after the pandemic is over; may we all can come back stronger.

it cringes still, but as I always try to be casual, I let it be. I convince myself that nothing wrong with it. it’s just one typical cliche wish. I really can't find any other urgent point to correct or even doubt about it though. so maybe that’s the first time I officially, wished to be strong (no, stronger). ignoring my infamous inner child, I let it be.

I’m 37, and just now, I kinda get what it takes, and what it means, to be strong. I feel like I know what it takes before, the reason why I never take it lightly… I'm not saying I'm all understood, but… I kinda see the big(ger) picture. the parts I missed out on for whole my life. I was wrong. a good set of strengths is not enough. while we don’t have to be strong (all the time), at least we’d better want to be.

there were times I would entertain myself like, this girl is waiting for the last call to really pray to be strong (and so it gives the creeps even more intense). it seems like being strong equals hard times :’) but no, turns out it means more than that. 

although hard times most of the time, are worth it. that more than often, I found myself fully willing to face it, to get through it, to make the best out of it. therefore….. how can I not want to be strong. now I can't tell if that's me lacking confidence, or on the contrary, being overconfident, to go through all without being strong. zzzzzz…

while being great is (just) a (good) result that is pretty much out of our actual business, being strong is some attitude that we must work on. even now when I say, okay let’s be strong… that’s not me being strong already.... we may never be able to tell if we are strong ourselves, but that strong will and effort to be; most likely is the game-changer.

great and strong usually come in a pair eh... but to be noted, my version of great is, maybe when we can live by our full potential in our most fundamental human way; fulfilling our fitra as best, and finding peace in it. 

that's when a good set of strengths, even great ones, is not enough for one to excel. to work and pray, to make effort and have faith, is what we do. but this journey of life is not about ourselves only. especially if we’re about to walk toward greatness, it cannot be about ourselves only, because true greatness got to be good for many. if even the smallest thing can bring impact, imagine what greatness supposedly bring. 

one thing leads to another thing, no such thing as coincidence. I had my pathway set to be here today, finally officially reconciling with that mindset of being strong. may I’m doing this not merely out of hard times only… or not, I don't care, oh well. but my actual point that I care is, that I love my peoples.

by all meaning, more than just survive, they deserve to be as great as they are all meant to be. we are all together so far, and as much as I wanted them to be 'that' great, I want us to stay together all the way, for good. therefore in any circumstances, they need me to be strong, most probably to the point they need me to be as great either. 

to be strong means a lot more than just the skill to survive through hard times. it’s also an effort for protection from the bad, even before things go bad. it's kinda similar to the saying, the best defence is a good offence. we need every bit of the will to be strong. so there is it, my first encounter with a good offence. never a favourite subject, really ...but now I see how I really can get good use out of it, that it contains a lot more than just myself… this realization is unconditional. I'm glad for finally coming to this perspective... where was I all these times? oh yes, I will be strong, please =)

words updated

when i was younger i wanna grow fast,
that i can do everything i want
when im already grown i wanna be smart,
that i can do good things good
when im already smart i wanna be pretty,
that i can be heard better
when im already pretty i wanna be true,
knowing things are real
i know things are real when i make family,
that i dont want anything more

I wrote that 12 years ago, and now I have important points to revise. 

to do everything we want is not related to age, but wisdom, which is what comes after gaining knowledge, that comes after we gain some good information.

we don't really need 'that' smart to do good things, and whether it's good or bad, the judgement is not ours. so we can just do it, anytime. Just don't forget the will beneath bismillah.

now this part is an easy one. being pretty may make people look, but not necessarily heard. being brave and sincere may work better.

and this is kinda the... challenging part. truth is, knowing which things are real in this world will always be challenging ...so just consider this only one real definite ultimate thing that we can hold for all times and circumstances. We can always turn back to Allah SWT, as to Him only, we will go back home one day, InsyaAllah.

By the way, I add notes in the last part, a few months later. that is when I've become a mother, I guess. contradictory to "I don't want anything more", I said "I want the world".

the logic behind is, that I think I want to provide as best for my baby and my family. I do, I still do. but later on, I realize how the world can be too overwhelming hahahaa ...and more, later on, i see how it doesn't really matter. 

this all everything that happens, is already available as best for us. we already have it all installed in ourselves, all the keys, antidotes, cures, anything. All we need to work on is our efforts and prayers, rest is the matter of His blessing only. All the goodness and wonders are not necessarily caused by our great skill/personality/efforts or even our endless/heartful/sincere prays, but by the blessing of Allah SWT. 

so if there is something I want to revise in this last additional part is, never forget that He already created us completely as best, that we just need to turn back to Him every now and then. So that we find Him, understand ourselves, and live a good life within truth & clarity, fulfilling our purpose. Having His blessing for here and after. that is all.

resurfacing

I almost skip a year not to post anything here, not to mention last time i do that was almost 2 years ago. Why now, the answer will be just kinda obvious. Human... when things happened :p knocking the head & hearts out. 

I dont want to talk about the world. That it almost certain, these past 2 years will be historical. All and all, the world globally is still in the covid era, so pretty much everything is still under construction, inside out. However locally, every now and then, covid seems quite away, alhamdulillah. And life already seems moved on, bring out several big adjustment i guess. Its the new normal they say; where things will never be the same anymore. This pandemic hits economically, socially, culturally. It kinda brings some kind of new pattern of living, new realization of self, new sense of perspective... 

After i shocked myself for how dark i can write (after a pretty long while :")) again, and after i decided to undo it, for good, i have something concluded. We don't have forever to tell, to acknowledge and to deliver. When, insyaallah, in my case it was some good graceful renewal that i would choose to count or dwell in over anything gloomy grey, I supposed not to wait or delay writing it again.

In the beginning of this pandemic, i kinda wish that we will survive this well, gaining some inside strength and knowledge, so that anytime we can come back stronger. Its now been around 2 years since 1st covid hits in China. Almost 2 years since dear son went to school. But just recently, we human really started to have high hopes for life resumed back normally, or new normal, because yea, there are many life-changing stuff happened in the world. From humans wearing masks, to the latest is the meta verse, and  still there are quite much in between... However I will just nod my stuffs. That it seems pretty weird if not bitter, but hopefully awesome, for it to happen just during this time. 

I gain my 5 prayer routines :) its far from perfect. Im still struggling with praying outside home, but i really really hope i can improve that. As for now, this stay-at-home mindset is really helpful for me to make up them all. Its kinda easier to set up schedules around the time of the prayer, not the other way around like life before covid. May i could always guard them well, for the rest of my life...

The notable part is the fajr prayer, which was kinda my final struggle, after the other 4. I gain it by fulfilling request from dear husband who wanted to start his prayer too. When fajr was my hardest, he said it seems like the most delightful time to start. So he asked me to wake him up everyday to do his fajr pray... and so, how could i not :") bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Other than that, im back into yoga. Its been around 3 months, now i exercise pretty much everyday, well 5-6 days a week i'd say. No certain schedules, because i intend it to be in my daily routine, for life. Ive set up my mind. I like how it gives a good sense to my body, and mind and soul too, no matter how slow and low my progress toward skills and poses. Merely in a time like this, I see how i totally do need it. It really helps me making a better sense of life... Life goes up and down and age keeps on the go. Thats why in the long run, id dedicate it for peoples i love too. Me being healthy and sane (and sexy maybe ^__^) may it bring goodness for them too. 

In the same route for my better physical condition, im now too giving more awareness towards my eating and metabolism. Yes im still in that level, raising awareness. And struggling too, due to my lifetime habbit for not being mindful at eating AND preparing a proper meal... so id really put this on my list, for a lifetime improvement.

Another related physical matter, also one of the reason why i would do everything above, for them all to be well sustained for life, is skincare matter. My lifetime hedgehog nose is now gone gone gone =D ive started doing facial treatment. Its quite a rob, but yes its impactful. And he said its just worth it. So lets just be happy about it. However i realize its not such a one night deal. May i can maintain that, inside out. Well like basically everything, i have a lot to work on ^^ i feel its a good thing tho.

Story in short is, i hope im on my way to be more sophisticated female person inside out, towards my duty as a wife, a mother, and abd of Allah SWT... The only one whom i found myself could and would lay myself on. The One who keep taking a good care of me, giving delighting signs and guides every now and then, whenever and however im being silly and weak and lost and flawful. The One who keep gifting me the greatest, to the point i think i couldnt or wouldnt articulate it... (because its so personally mindblowing) That all everything happened (for me), since the very first beginning, are (always) very meticulously well-crafted, and by far is trully for me. 

For making me happy. For my goals, and greater goal, even without leaving out my worldy needs i missed out. For making this flawful me great, even in the way id like it to be... because He loves me, knows and understands me exactly, as no one ever be. That in my tough times it keeps tickling me hard, for how clueless i can be. And to Him is the only one i could always turning back, safely and peacefully... Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin.

This moment is kinda like my second chapter of life, in the theme of loving by the name of Allah SWT. I stumbled on this one phrase In one of the book package i got last month (which come in such incredible timing, again, since the very first time i found it, or it found me). Its about He is being Al Mughni, The Enricher, who can enrich us to the point that we can wholeheartedly love people, but ultimately our dependency is on Him. That phrase really got me personally. That someway somehow (finally) i can too wholeheartedly fell down down down, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing left. Its like... even He lets me doing what i like, and still being available for me in the most beautiful and senseful way :" i dont mean to preach. Its just, how can i not. Laa ilaaha illallahu Allahu akbar...

I cry and tell and ask Him a lot lately O__O and what i ask is nothing less than the best, here and after. That if i go furthermore on my words here, due to my nature, i worry id become weak again. So really, basically bless is all that. For myself, for peoples i love and love me, for others, for myself toward others... i want to do right, and good, and nice, and really, nothing but the best for the others. Just because ~~~ i cant explain.

What i have to tell here is how thankful and grateful i am, of all everything happened recently. Maybe its an awkward gesture, but really, its kinda like a necessary revelation... however its so, tough ~~~ May i always able to keep on  peacefully striving, progressing, fulfilling, for good, as best. May we always able to find our true ground and work it, for good, as best. All by the name of Allah SWT. Amen.

part closure

Year 2020 started so messy. Heavy flood right on the day 1. And hashtag worldwar3 trending even before week 1. An iranian shia politician dead. One super power president, as his usual, made a happy statement over a tragedy. Then there were people swearing and a nuclear deal. Still we're not yet on point. Too many niches. While locally, people seems forget how to complain about things, and keep on offensing on personal matter. Too many hatred. Too many intrigues. Too many layers. Meanwhile, im just whining.

I dont mean to start negatively, but duuuudeeee..... #worldwar3 on day 3 ?!? Zzzzzz who needs fiction nowadays. 

(Just kissed my baby good night) ...of all conspiracy theory ive read, of all quran tafsir ive heard, of all vision ive had, of all dreams ive planned... i cant even tell what tomorrow, like literally tomorrow, will bring. And while im feeling so little here, im making a plan, for like almost a decade later. Investing this, renovating that. Education this, vacation that. Still i shower myself with all those information slash knowledge though. All that, maybe im just trying to keep myself busy. Questions are actually simple. Will we actually make it until next decade? As a person. As a nation. As citizen of the world. As a creation of The Almighty. I wonder if theres any point in what i do. But i did. That way, may it happened for good.

We human never not juggling between things, do we? Its a privilege, having a pause to notice how busy we are. Alhamdulillah.

My dear little man, in every layer of every era, in every path of every choice, in every moment of now and then, in every journey of every you, may you always find and walk your truest way back home to Allah SWT. This one not easy to even describe, really ...Al Fatihah. There you actually have it all, what im trying to tell.

Just later on, may you have the chance to have your journey through the whole quran... Sigh. This flawful me feels like crying reading my own pray. I dont know how, but really, may i too have the chance to have my journey throught the whole quran... Sometimes, it really is not easy even just to ask and pray. So many thing left unspoken ...May Allah SWT bless you always baby son, here, there, and ever after. For all those things that really matter, never give up. Amen.